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Leaning into God’s promises and grabbing hold of the plans that He has for us after an abusive relationship is the heart’s desire. Trauma isn’t who we are, trauma is what happened to us, and we are without a doubt anointed and appointed to walk into our destiny — despite what happened to us.
It’s not uncommon for us to loose sight of the truth, hope and possibilities in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. I’ve said before, the aftermath of abuse is like being in ICU — mentally, emotionally and physically. The truth about ICU is that healing hurts, healing takes time, but we cannot forget the fact that pain is a part of healing. Healing is grievous in the beginning, painful in the middle but eventually, healing becomes the source of our strength, fuel for our passion and hope for our dreams.
One of the challenges of healing, big challenges, is reminding ourselves that we are not our history, we are more than conquers and even though it’s difficult now, there’s a future waiting on us. We are not built to crumble, we are more than what happened to us and we are able to keep moving forward with the truth. I know for myself, I was beyond blinded by what had happened to me. The aftermath of abuse can be an unhappy, hopeless and challenging place to be in. There’s nothing that anyone can do or say that can make the pain magically go away or make the hurt not hurt.
What I realized in my valley of healing is that there are three truths that must be embraced to heal forward, heal with clarity, and heal with hope and expectancy. These simple truths worked for me but you can insert different truths — the key is, own your truth…the truth about who you are, the truth about your life and the truth about your divine potential.
The three truths that I came to realize I had to embrace to expect, hope and grow forward are: love myself, speak life over myself and challenge any thoughts that undermine my truth. You see, we have survivors of all kinds of horrendous experiences to inform our truth. We know by looking out of the window that there are countless individuals who have overcame adversity, come back from the pit of hell and defeated their Goliath.
There’s no rule that says we can’t be injured and expectant, wounded and worshipping or healing and hopeful — at the same time. We aren’t one dimensional — we aren’t just our past, we aren’t just what happened to us…we never were and we never will be any one thing at any given time. We don’t just have CPTSD, we also have favor, divine access and potential. Our favor, access and potential aren’t cancelled by what happened to us, it can’t be. Our life isn’t and never can be dictated entirely by what happened in the past — if that were not so, everyone with a past, everyone who has experienced a traumatic event or relationship, would be destined to live their entire life controlled by their past. That’s not your truth beloved. That’s never your truth, and embrace of your truth is critical to giving the mind permission to think differently.
“Semrad taught us that most human suffering is related to love and loss and that the job of therapists is to help people “acknowledge, experience, and bear” the reality of life–with all its pleasures and heartbreak. “The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves, he’d say, urging us to be honest with ourselves about every facet of our experience.”
Bessel van der Kolk — The Body Keeps The Score
I’m not downplaying trauma, CPTSD or the difficulty of regaining some sense of control after a traumatizing experience or relationship. I want to invite you to give your mind permission to think differently, to think from truth. Take a look at the picture below of Tatsiana Khvitsko. Tatsiana’s legs never fully developed due to radiation from the Chernobyl nuclear power plant explosion.
Tatsiana grew up wanting to run but couldn’t. The tragedy that took both of her legs was a traumatic event and one that could have resulted in Tatsiana giving up on life and her dream…but God! Because she kept dreaming, kept hoping and kept believing that where there’s a will there’s a way, at age 21, Tatsiana was invited to Florida to meet with skilled prosthetists for a new set of regular walking legs. Her new set of prosthetic feet opened an entirely new world of fitness. Tatsiana has since entered in multiple CrossFit competitions and a bodybuilding event. But running is her favorite sport.
What’s my point? Like Tatsiana, we don’t have to know how it will happen to believe in our truth. We don’t have to know when it will happen to believe in our truth. Tatsiana had to keep speaking truth over her dreams, keep pushing for the possibility of walking for 21 years before she would be fitted with her prosthetic legs. When we give our mind permission to think differently, we empower ourselves to expect differently. Trauma is a part of our story, it has an undeniable effect on our mind and body, it is undeniably an injury that no one heals from overnight…but that doesn’t stop us from dreaming, hoping and speaking life over our potential beloved. Loving ourselves is knowing that we are more than what happened to us, we aren’t on our healing journey for no reason and we are not required to cancel our future because we’re healing from our history.
Thoughts are powerful, and on our healing journey we will not only discover how powerful thoughts are but also where our thoughts get their power from. In other words, thoughts, good or bad, need our attention to survive, thrive and be empowered. We aren’t required to just give the thoughts of the past attention, energy and time. We have every right and ability to also give attention to thoughts of our future, thoughts of our strengths, thoughts of our progress, thoughts of our abilities, and thoughts of our possibilities and opportunities. I realized that speaking life over myself was not easy or even interesting to me, as long as I gave my history, what happened, all of my attention, time and energy. Make time to give attention to and to speak truth over your life, over your possibilities, over your skills, over your abilities, over your hopes, over your dreams and over your mind. Trauma isn’t who we are, trauma is what happened to us, and many others. We have a truth that will never be untrue, no matter what we experience or go through in this life…Jesus came that we might have life and life more abundantly. That does not change, circumstances don’t change that, and neither does the healing process.
Thriving after trauma isn’t for a chosen few, thriving after trauma is for those who choose to embrace their truth, their divine truth, and give their mind permission to think differently.
The companion of loving ourselves and speaking life over ourselves is challenging any thoughts that undermine our truth. The aftermath of trauma is not only about what happened, it’s also about learning how to walk in truth and use truth to challenge thoughts that undermine our healing. This is not an easy task, especially when the truth we’ve known or the only truth we’ve ever known has been blown to smithereens by relational trauma. It’s hard to see what our potential is when we thought we were living our potential; it’s hard to imagine being strong enough to make it through if we’ve never been in a fight for our life. It’s hard to imagine loving again if we thought the last love was our life-time love. It’s hard to imagine starting all over again when we thought that we were finished, or we thought our future was our past.
“The challenge of recovery is to reestablish ownership of your body and your mind — of your self. This means feeling free to know what you know and to feel what you feel without becoming overwhelmed, enraged, ashamed, or collapsed. For most people this involves (1) finding a way to become calm and focused, (2) learning to maintain that calm in response to images, thoughts, sounds, or physical sensations that remind you of the past, (3) finding a way to be fully alive in the present and engaged with the people around you, (4) not having to keep secrets from yourself, including secrets about the way that you have managed to survive.”
Bessel van der Kolk — The Body Keeps The Score
Trauma is not ours to heal alone, and neither is thriving ours to figure out alone. If we aren’t connected with people and resources, trauma-informed, that can shine the light for us, we are more than likely going to experience our trauma recovery from a place of isolation, which can compound the stress and increase feelings of overwhelm, anxiety and even grief. Having a positive outlook and confidence about something you’ve never done before, alone, is difficult. Having or developing a positive outlook, hope and confidence with help from those who have overcame in the areas that you are struggling in, help from others who have experienced what you’ve experienced, and help from others who have insights and wisdom from accomplishing what you’re trying to accomplish can answer your unanswered questions — which is critical to healing forward. The Bible puts it this way: “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed” (Proverbs 15:22).
Remember this beloved, you are in the beginning of your journey to your promised land. Your promise land already exists, your destiny is not determined by your history, God’s plans for your life, skill, gift, talent and ability are not canceled by what happened to you. This you know, because you know there are other survivors, other thrivers, other overcomers, other victors, others who have lost it all and rose up from the ashes, others who have fought Goliath and won, others who have suffered horrible traumas and clawed their way back to the life they deserve. You have to know this, because you too will be one of them. You have to know this, embrace this, trust this and never doubt this, because your truth is what will empower you to give your mind permission to think differently.
Today’s Exercise
Our truth is the most important tool for our healing. Healing forward isn’t easy but healing forward because of what you expect, hope for and believe is possible, changes how you heal. For today’s exercise, grab a journal, note pad or whatever you can, and do the following:
- Write down your hopes, dreams and expectations for your healing. In other words, what does the fruit of your progress look like or hold in store for you?
- Write down the most common, or the most frequent statements you make about your future that aren’t true. Then beneath each, rewrite the narrative. Change the outcome to fit your truth, the proof you’ve seen in the lives of others, and your faith.
- If you don’t have proof of what others have done, overcome, conquered or defeated in the aftermath of trauma, make it your mission to find and surround yourself with people who have been where you are, and are going where you want to go. There’s nothing that helps us to believe in the possibilities like support that reminds us, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).
