When The Vow Breaks

Session 5: When The Vow Breaks Masterclass

Posted on by Patrick Weaver

Post-traumatic healing and guarding your heart from post-separation abuse for injured spouses and their children…

Let’s jump in…

Surviving a destructive, abusive, soul crushing marriage, sadly, is just the beginning. The aftermath can have twists and turns, hills and valleys and for many, relational trauma or Complex post-traumatic stress. (CPTSD). As well, children who experienced or witnessed the destructive behavior, or who were targets of a destructive spouse can suffer from developmental trauma.

The aftermath of a destructive, abusive, soul crushing relationship can present a multitude of unexpected problems. The three post-separation challenges that that we will discuss today are helping children heal, co-parenting and self-healing.

It is important to remember that different people can and do experience relational trauma in different ways. As a survivor and witness to my mothers insidious abuse, I am often asked, “How do you help your children to heal.” This is not as straightforward as it might seem, given the reality that siblings who grow up in the same house can each have a different experience or reaction to the same environment. This is often a factor of age, degree of exposure, and the behavior of the destructive parent. By behavior I am referring to the destructive parent’s behavior towards the child and the degree to which the child witnessed or knew about the destructive parent’s behavior. This defines the type of relationship the destructive parent had with each child and the child’s lived experience. Let’s start with helping the child heal after a destructive marriage.

Helping Children Heal

Children who grow up witnessing the abuse of a parent or the behavior of a destructive parent, or who are targeted by an abusive parent, will have emotional scars. What’s important to remember is that their healing is not the same as the parent or injured spouse, as they experienced the abuse as a child of the abuser and not as an intimate partner. In other words, they have a child/parent wound as opposed to a spouse/intimate partner wound. Both are relational trauma wounds but they are two different relationships.

What’s also important to remember is that some children don’t have an awareness of or a knowledge of the abusive or destructive parent’s behavior. This can be for several reasons but the most common is the child was either shielded from the abuse (which is common), or the abusive, destructive parent covertly disguised or hid their abusive behavior from the child. And in some cases, the abusive, destructive parent used “spoiler parent” or the “good cop/yes parent” routine to manipulate the child’s emotions and/or to alienate the abused parent — to protect their image. Let’s address both of these child experiences separately.

The shielded child:

Children raised in an abusive home can sometimes have a false positive experience with the abusing or destructive parent. And when this is true, both lived experiences of victim and child must be acknowledged and must delicately co-exist. And here’s why…

Before we start, let’s be clear, a destructive, abusive parent always abuse their child when they abuse their child’s parent — whether the child is a witness of the abuse or not. Many abuser’s play the good cop, spoiler or “yes” parent to emotionally manipulate children and to undermine the victim’s parenting. However, when the child’s direct relationship experience with the abuser is, or is perceived by the child to be, the polar opposite of the victim, the victim must use caution when handling the child’s lived experience and healing.

In other words, the child’s perception is reality…and when either an abuser has successfully created a false positive parental relationship or the child has successfully been shielded from abuser’s truth, that is the child’s lived experience. As your post-separation healing proceeds, you will be tempted to include your children in your story and perhaps your healing. Use caution. If they didn’t experience what you experienced, they aren’t healing from what you experienced. Your trauma isn’t their trauma. Your pain isn’t their pain. Your intimate partner history isn’t their parent/child history — as far as their lived experience is concerned. When this is the case, you must separate your story and your healing from your children’s story and whatever healing they might need. A child is more often than not, due to their lived experience and/or age, unable to rewrite their history or adopt someone else’s lived experience — even if that someone is a parent. Siblings raised in the same abusive home can and often do have completely different lived experiences…depending on their respective ages when the abuse started, what each child saw or experienced personally/directly, and how the abusive parented each child.

Depending on the age of the children, the children’s lived experience and the parental relationship they have with the abusive parent, if your children believe their lived experience cannot coexist with yours, they will more than likely reject your experience and defend their experience — and the abuser as well — if they are forced to choose…choosing their lived experience is choosing the lessor of the two evils.

When your children have a different lived experience, both your and their lived experience must be honored. You’re not disavowing your story by acknowledging or honoring their story. You’re not agreeing with their perception of the abuser by acknowledge that their perception is their lived experience.  Even in a healthy household, the parent/child relationship is and should be different from an intimate partner relationship.

Some things to consider when helping children heal whose lived experience is different from the victim:

  1. Define your lived experience as from an intimate partner relationship, and theirs as from a child/parent relationship. Both experiences can co-exist because they aren’t the same, and can’t be compared.
  2. Acknowledge both lived experiences with the children. Allow both lived experiences to co-exist without threat to either and without comparison or rejection of either.
  3. Separate your post-traumatic healing needs from their post-traumatic healing needs. The healing/treatment appropriate for intimate partner/relational trauma is not appropriate for developmental/parental trauma. And when there is a different lived experience, your children may feel imposed on and might become resentful of you if they feel obligated or required to heal from your lived experience — when their lived experience is not the same.
  4. As you begin to find your voice and desire to share your story publicly, remember that your children aren’t your primary audience. If they embrace your lived experience and support you telling your story — which is the opposite of their story, great. If they don’t want to participate in your public testimonies, leave them out. If this is the case, use a pseudonym when social sharing your story and don’t publicly use their names or tag them. Remember, the audience for your public testimony and the purpose of your public testimony is to help others heal from what you experienced, and to get help for your healing needs.

Every situation is different or can be. Remember that your child’s lived experience, when not yours, isn’t the worst thing that could have happened to them. Needing to recover from their childhood in their adulthood from childhood trauma is. If you shielded your child, if they weren’t targeted, if they weren’t witnesses, if they have a positive lived experience with your abuser or they were too young at the time, allow them their truth. When there are different lived experiences, acknowledging them both doesn’t invalidate either. When you choose to share your experience with your children, it should be age appropriate and serve a purpose for them. It has to consider their truth and the fact that they are better off having a their own relationship with their parent and discovering what you know on their own. Again, this assumes that the other parent does not pose a safety risk to the child or threaten the child’s wellbeing. 

Children who witnessed/experienced the abuse:

Healing forward, for children who witnessed the abuse of a parent or were targeted by an abusive parent, is a slow but beautiful process. Their mind and emotions are of course toxically effected by the past, particularly by the gross distortion of love caused by depraved behavior coming from someone who is supposed to love and protect. Children who grow up witnessing or experiencing abusive behavior must be allowed to express their pain, and their feelings towards the abusive behavior.

One of the most important aspects of healing forward for children who have witnessed or experienced abuse is correcting any feelings or thoughts that blame love for or associate love with abuse. As well, you must help them to dedicate themselves to learning about healthy love relationships and what it means to love with God’s love in a healthy relationship (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). 

Their healing work is deeply rooted in understanding, honoring and nurturing the truth about love and not associating your abuser’s behavior with love. This is paramount to their healing and them having healthy relationships. For adult children, this includes being honest with the abuser about their feelings based on their knowledge of the truth about love. Their truth about love, healthy and biblical love, does not support unloving behavior, or condone abuse by someone who is supposed to love you. The children may never have a relationship with your [the parent’s] abuser but if they do, there has to be a condition that the children are abler to express their feelings about their lived experience and they must feel safe with the parent. Adult children have more authority to navigate the relationship with your abuser but younger children won’t. In the case of younger children, it is important to honor their truth and also give the abusive, destructive parent their responsibility for healing their relationship with the children.

You are the children’s support system for conversations and concerns they have, along with trauma-informed counselors. Your parental goal is not to determine the relationship they have with the abusive parent, you parental goal is to make sure that you are their safe place to process and express their concerns and feelings. I have added a wealth of resources to learn more about healing from relational trauma under “Recommended Books” on the masterclass private page.

High conflict co-parenting often accompanies the separation and divorce from an abusive, destructive parent. There are many different ills within the family court system, most of which disadvantage the injured spouse and minimize the damage caused, as well as the potential threat to a child’s welfare the abusive co-parent (contra-parent) poses. In this next section we will discuss high conflict co-parenting with a contra-parent.

Helpful Articles

  1. The Alarming Effect of Children’s Exposure to Domestic Violence
  2. 8 Strategies to Help Your Child Cope with a Narcissistic Parent
  3. 8 Ways to Talk with Kids Exposed to Domestic Violence
  4. Guarding against Alienation Distraction Tactics

Click the below titles to view today’s additional session topics

High conflict co-parenting can be best described as counter-parenting, and is often used as an opportunity for the toxic parent to continue their destructive behavior — post-separation.
 
This can present a dual battle for the survivor…trauma recovery and “Trauma Co-Parenting.” Trauma Co-Parenting is the result of a traumatized survivor being repeatedly retraumatized by every interaction with a counter-parent. The survivor has to somehow figure out a way to co-parent with an unchanged, unrepentant, and still as destructive as ever, “contra-parent” — while simultaneously heal from relational trauma — caused by the contra-parent.
 
And if that isn’t difficult enough, many survivors have the unfortunate displeasure of discovering that blind justice, while beneficial, can have blind spots. In fairness to the courts, without a paper trail (which sometimes isn’t enough), blind justice can be exceedingly blind. This means that no matter what happened in the relationship behind closed doors, unless the contra-parents history is documented and supported by court approved evidence, blind justice will have a hard time seeing your case clearly. But we know that there are many cases where evidence was provided and the courts errored — to the disadvantage of the victim and the children. Planning ahead and anticipating the contra-parents attempt to manipulate blind justice is critical.
 
Contra-parents have been known to not only manipulate the courts but also turn the courts against the victim…and in some cases, even dupe the court into believing the victim is the abuser/unfit parent — resulting in physical custody being granted to the abuser. In the article, UCLA WOMEN’S LAW JOURNAL [Vol. 24.41], “How Domestic Violence Batterers Use Custody Proceedings in Family Courts to Abuse Victims, and How Courts Can Put a Stop to It, author Emmaline Campbell provides an insightful and comprehensive look at the tactics contra-parents use to manipulate the court system and, “take advantage of custody proceedings in family court to continue to abuse their victims.” A survivor must be prepared for the tricks and traps of the cunning, crafty contra-parent who, as Campbell states, “uses the court and the legal system as a tool of abuse.” 
 
Daily interactions with a contra-parent are about one thing…FUEL. The contra-parent needs fuel for their fragile ego and will use every opportunity and anybody, including the children, to manipulate, control and bully. Mind games, toxic amnesia (conveniently forgetting), toxic talking about the victim to the children, last minute schedule changes, trying to turn the children against the victim with malicious lies, breaking agreements, no-shows, gaslighting, blame shifting, are just a few of the warfare tactics used by the contra-parent to get fuel from you.
 
Expecting normal or remaining emotionally available for the contra-parent’s manipulative behavior is not optional. In the case of co-parenting with a contra-parent, it would be nice if things were different but they’re not. As emotionally upsetting and hurtful as their behavior is, for the kids sake, embrace 1 Peter 5:8: “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.” You must remain cleareyed and emotionally unavailable for the narco-parents fuel supply. Must.
 
God sees which of you are for the child. The bible tells us that there were two parents who King Solomon was asked to decide which one was the rightful parent of a child. In order to get to the bottom of the dispute, King Solomon ordered the child to be cut in half (knowing the true parent would never allow for such a solution). Sure enough, when King Solomon ordered the baby to be cut in half, the real parent of the child cried out, “Please don’t kill my son, Your Majesty, I love him very much, but give him to her. Just don’t kill him.” The other woman shouted, “Go ahead and cut him in half. Then neither of us will have the baby.” King Solomon said, “Don’t kill the baby.” Then he pointed to the first woman, “She is his real mother. Give the baby to her.” (1 Kings 3:16-28). Just like King Solomon, God is a wise judge, and He knows when a parent does not have the child’s best interests at heart.
 
In their book Mindful Co-Parenting: A Child-Friendly Path through Divorce, authors Gaies and Morris identify three types of co-parenting relationships: Cooperative Co-Parenting, Parallel Co-Parenting, and Encapsulated Co-Parenting. Basically, Cooperative Co-parenting is the ideal situation. Both parents put the child’s needs above their own, and put aside any personal differences to ensure that the children are raised in such a way that as adults, they do not have to recover from their childhood. This of course is not the contra-parents style of co-parenting. Encapsulated Co-Parenting, or high conflict, combative, sabotaging co-parenting, is the contra-parents style of co-parenting. High conflict co-parenting is the most damaging to a child.
 
Parallel Co-parenting is another way of saying, “separate but equal parenting.” Parallel Co-parents, either voluntarily or involuntarily, remove themselves from unnecessary interactions. They only deal with each other on an as needed basis, and communicate only when absolutely necessary for major agreements or scheduling. Parallel Co-parents allow each other to parent without the involvement of the other when the child is in their respective homes, they do not come together for birthday’s or jointly participate in any activities. Basically, Parallel Co-parents minimize conflict through minimal interaction.
 
Whether you agree to or require Parallel Co-parenting or some version of limited contact co-parenting, the goal is to prevent the children, to the extent possible, from being traumatized by toxic behavior.
 
You cannot control another person but you can control how you respond. Three keys for dealing with a toxic, and often narcissistic, contra-parent are: Acknowledge, Cut and Plan. 
 
THREE KEYS
 
1) Acknowledge Them For Who They Are. It is what it is. And as long as the contra-parent refuses to change, call it what it is and deal with them accordingly. A contra-parent’s inflated sense of importance, excessive need for attention and their fundamental lack of empathy is diametrically opposed to healthy, positive co-parenting. Acknowledgement does not mean condemnation or toleration, it means, “You will know them by their fruit” (Matthew 7:17-20). 
 
The bible said, “…Resist the devil and he will flee from you” (James 4:7), and that includes willfully destructive contra-parents. Don’t get fooled into believing that a temporary recess between their hell or their faux apology means they’ve permanently changed. Change is proven not spoken. Acknowledging their truth will keep you sober minded. You must be sober minded about who you’re dealing with and their tactics to cut off their fuel supply.
 
2) Cut Off Their Fuel. The contra-parent’s fragile ego, extreme insecurity and need to feel superior to others, requires fuel. A rise out of you or the ability to emotionally control you is exactly the fuel the contra-parent is looking for. Take fuel off the table — disconnect emotions from your contra-parent and remind yourself that their silliness, tantrums and bullying tactics are the tricks of their trade — and not a reflection of you or something you’ve done. Being able to bully your emotions is the fuel they crave. It takes practice but keeping your emotions out of the reach of a contra-parent cuts off their fuel supply, and is one of the most powerful steps you can take to defuse them. 
 
Maintain firm boundaries. The bible tells us to, “Above all else, guard our heart…” (Proverbs 4:23). This is never more true, never more necessary than when dealing with someone who intentionally, willfully and purposefully tries to attack your heart. Don’t fight back by burning down your emotional house to get back at them, fight back by setting and keeping firm boundaries, and cutting off their fuel supply — their ability to control your emotions, peace, thoughts and attitude. See their behavior for what it is — a desperate need for attention, control and superiority.
 
3) Plan With A Capital P. In the case of a high conflict, combative co-parenting relationship, in addition to acknowledging them for who they are and cutting off their fuel supply — not only from them but for your own sanity, plan ahead. Well ahead. The bible tells us, “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it?” (Luke 14:28). Planning for and anticipating the contra-parent to be who they are is vital to your success and the health of your children. Planning can take on different forms, depending on the severity of the contra-parent’s behavior.
  • Know your legal rights. There are resources available for broad and specific support when dealing with a destructive co-parent. 
  • If at all possible, obtain a court ordered visitation plan. This is a basic but critical tool for minimizing conflict, confusion and games around visitation, custody and parental rights.
  • Understand Parental Alienation and your legal rights. Parental alienation is seen as the words and/or conduct of one parent that intentionally intends to harm or destroy the relationship between the other parent and the children. A google search of Parental Alienation will provide laws and guidelines for proving Parental Alienation in your state/region. Also, there’s an article on Parental Alienation below.
  • Document everything. Appointments, agreements and schedules should be documented and confirmation sent in advance by text or email to the narco-parent.
  • Keep all communication focused on the children and discontinue conversations that go off the rails and down the hill of toxic fuel.
  • Seek counseling early for children exposed to a toxic, destructive contra-parent.
  • Seek family counseling. While the average contra-parent is going to refuse, consider attending alone if necessary. And as a note, family counseling with a neutral, trauma-informed professional may exclude your church/pastor, and should if experience or neutrality is an issue.
  • Do not unnecessarily discuss the contra-parent with the children. Keep conversations/explanations with children age appropriate and healing in nature. Or else you could be accused of Parental Alienation.
  • Actively seek out and participate in online or in-person survivor support groups, and coaching. You are not alone and the journey can seem lonely or isolating without support.
  • Consider using one of many co-parenting apps like Talking Parents that provide built-in tools for managing schedules, communicating — text and email, and even recording phone calls if necessary with a contra-parent. This could come in handy if ever you have to go to court with a contra-parent. For a list of the top co-parenting apps, click here.
  • In extremely toxic and destructive co-parenting situations, you can consider a guardian ad litem (GAL). A GAL is a court appointed (neutral) person, usually an attorney, who looks out for the “best interest of a child.” You can request that one be appointed. The GAL familiarizes themselves with your child’s living situation and serves as the child’s advocate to make recommendations to the court regarding the child’s needs. This can include but not limited to, modified visitations or how much contact a child should have with a parent. Experiences with GAL’s vary, and not all GAL’s are equal. Review the article, Three Methods Of Reducing The Impact Of An Unfavorable Guardian Ad Litem Report.
  • Self-care is key to your warfare. Give yourself the gift of breaks, release, self-investment. Take advantage of every opportunity to take off the co-parenting hat and relax your mind, rejuvenate, and repair. Whether with friends, self or a trauma-informed counselor/therapist/coach, or all of the above, take care of your mental health.

As exhausting and frustrating as co-parenting with a combative, toxic, destructive contra-parent can be, remember, it’s not about you, it’s about the kids. Yes, you are the one having to put up with the foolishness and be the grownup but you’re doing it for your children. Keep your eye on the prize — launching your child into adulthood without the need to recover from their childhood. I’ve added helpful books under the Recommended Books on the masterclass home page and I’ve also included helpful articles below.

Helpful Articles

I’m frequently asked, “Where do I begin or what resources should I use to start my healing journey from trauma,” relational trauma specifically. There’s something you need to know about your healing journey that will help position you to fight for your post-traumatic growth.
 
The battlefield, post-traumatic, is in our mind. We have to start there because the battle in our mind has to be defined in order to determine what comes next and why. The Bible teaches us a very import truth about the battlefield of the mind: “When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first” (Matthew 12:43-45). The enemy of our post-traumatic growth, is unawareness of the intent of the battle. The bible tells us: “Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Thessalonians 5:23). The intent of the battle is to keep your mind from cooperating with, embracing and trusting God’s plans for you.
 
From cognitive dissonance to post-traumatic stress, from feelings of regret to shame, from disloyal friends to the fear of the unknown, your mind will be attacked from all angles when you begin your healing journey. When you begin your healing journey, the truth is your best friend. Truth about who they were, not who you wanted them to be. Truth about your potential and your future and your ability to reclaim your inheritance. Truth about your who you are and the life you deserve. Your mind will be attacked to utterly and completely destroy your ability to believe the truth, trust the truth and use the truth to heal forward.
 
Trauma isn’t who you are, trauma is what happened to you. When we experience trauma, relational trauma, our body’s natural defense system is activated. When we are under attack our body’s natural defense system is activated to fight, flight, freeze or fawn. In post-trauma, the war is over but body’s natural defense system is still activated. Activated by memories, activated by trauma triggers, activated by trauma memories, activated by the enemies of the truth. There’s nothing wrong with your body’s defense system, the problem is the body is dysregulated, stressed, because when our defense system is unregulated our body is taxed. The body stores memories of abuse, trauma and emotional warfare to sound the alarm if and when you encounter the same behavior in the future. But if the body’s history truth isn’t processed and disempowered in peace time, the memories will keep your mind and body at war, and the result is you body’s defense system will stay active.
 
To begin our healing journey, or as a part of our healing journey, we have to fully and completely embrace our truth and reality — to process the memories from the past, triggers, as well as our thoughts and feelings associated with them. This is not the same as reliving the past, this is identifying how the past is controlling your mind or living you. Write it out, write everything down and be sure to leave nothing out. Your goal in this exercise is to identify 3 things:
 
  1. The memories and thoughts that are the enemies of truth
  2. Emotions and feelings that are provoked by the enemies of the truth
  3. The resulting effect of being provoked — mind, body and spirit
With this, you have a clear picture of the battlefield, what the battle will be over and what will happen if the memories aren’t disrupted and disempowered by the use of trauma-informed knowledge, tools, and resources. Understand something, post-traumatic growth often includes not just what happened to us but also what happened in us as the result of what happened to us — not only from our last or most recent traumatic experience but our history of traumatic experiences. Sometimes, to dig up the root or understand our filtering of traumatic memories, it might be necessary to heal the effects of history or childhood of traumatic experiences, and the impact of those experiences on our identity, truth and faith.
 
Armed with an honest assessment of our battle, it’s time to seek knowledge and understanding for the battle. Actionable knowledge and understanding. Trauma-informed knowledge and understanding. Once we have clarity about the battle we’re fighting — present and historical, we can move into position to fight, and to seek the tools and resources to help us fight. And let me say this about the fight…there is no winning the battle without a fight. Post-traumatic growth comes with a fight. Healing is not possible without a fight. This fight is a wilderness journey that will result in untruth dying off before you enter into the promise of your healing. Trauma-informed people helpers are waiting, the knowledge of the battle is there, God is with you, and you are anointed for a time such as this beloved.
 

Healing from relational trauma is going to be difficult, it’s going to test your faith, it’s going to challenge previously held beliefs, it’s going to challenge you to give yourself permission to think differently, it’s going to challenge your fears and push you to discover new truth and lead you to discover strength you didn’t know you had. Post-traumatic growth will impact and change almost every aspect of your life. You’ve been through hell. You’ve underwent a deep and profound emotional disturbance that caused your identity to suffer, your faith to suffer, your outlook to suffer, your trust to suffer and even your health to suffer. You’re not just healing from what they did or said to you, you’re healing from what happened in you. Your history, your influences and your experiences all play a part in the depth of your wounds and the depth of your recovery work.

There is not one quick fix. There’s no silver bullet. Grieving forward is not an overnight process. Letting go of the hopes and dreams that were tied to the history relationship is not an overnight process. Learning and establishing new truth is not an overnight process. Learning to prioritize yourself without feeling guilty is not an overnight process. But you have what you need to win. You desire to thrive and your faith-informed belief that your latter days will be greater than your former days will carry you through. But there’s only one catch…like Jacob, you cannot give up until you get your breakthrough.

Through self-care, and the help of trauma-informed resources, tools and wise counsel, you will get back up again. Trust the process, believe in yourself, and know your truth.  By getting up everyday and choosing your destiny over your history, you’re going to become the next version of you. You’re not going to unsee what you saw, you’re not going to change what happened, you’re not going to make them apologize or change, you’re not going to make disloyal friends be loyal, and you’re not going to make everybody agree with or understand what happened to you, you’re going to make everybody happy, and everybody from your history won’t be going with you to your destiny.

Your desires, hopes, expectations, dreams and plans for your life will change, because healing changes you.

 

Today’s Exercise

  1. Start a journal and write down as many beliefs, memories and untruths that attack your mind. Under every belief, memory and untruth that attacks your mind, write “Resources” beneath it, and begin filling in the type of resource, book or counsel you need to help you heal forward. 

Consider reading the below books:

  1. Review the below articles:
    1. What Is Relational Trauma: An Overview
    2. The Trauma of Intimate Partner Betrayal
    3. Loss of Agency: How Domestic Violence Impacts Mental Health
    4. The Common Effects of Complex Relational Trauma
    5. Stages of Recovery After Trauma
    6. Rejection Trauma and the Freeze/Fawn Response
    7. Unreality Check: Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic Abuse
    8. Trauma-Informed Therapy: How It Works & Why It’s Important
    9. How Trauma Informed Coaching Can Complement Therapy

 

Patrick Weaver

Patrick Weaver is the founder and global leader of The Exodus Project. A survivor, dynamic speaker, author and highly regarded revolutionary faith leader, Patrick is passionately committed to disrupting the social, religious and legislative mindsets that undermine hope, freedom and healing for victims and survivors of intimate partner abuse.