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Let’s jump in…
I think every abuse victim has felt violated, to the very core, by someone who felt entitled to the privileges of their love without the responsibilities of their love. Any relationship, marriage included, comes with boundaries. Without a covenant agreement, marriage is a relationship without boundaries. The marriage covenant is not the same as wedding vows beloved. Everybody, anybody, demons included, can say wedding vows. The marriage covenant agreement (Ephesians 5:21-33), has conditions and requirements for behavior and love, as well as a responsibility to God: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21).
But let’s be clear about what boundaries are. Boundaries aren’t rules for others or to control others. Boundaries are conditions that govern what we will or will not allow ourselves to do. Anyone who has been abused will tell you that boundaries didn’t stop the abuser, boundaries didn’t matter to the abuser and boundaries didn’t make the abuser respect them. Boundaries govern what we won’t do, what we won’t accept, what we won’t tolerate and what we expect from ourselves and others in any relationship.
Be Known Therapy states, “In simple terms, rules, relationship rules, are for others, boundaries are for yourself. Rules are restrictions you put on another person. Boundaries are restrictions you place for yourself to keep yourself from harm.” Marriage relationships come with behavioral rules and boundaries, no differently than relationship with God. God’s Agape love unconditionally invites us to be in relationship with God but not even Agape love will unconditionally tolerate any or all behavior in relationship with God: “Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them” (Romans 1:28-32). If relationship with God does not unconditionally allow rebellious behavior, that means even God’s unconditional, Agape, love has relationship boundaries and rules.
If relationship with God has boundaries and rules, don’t think marriage or any other relationship does not also have boundaries and rules. Love, biblical love, is based on the rule that love does not tolerate or delight in evil: “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6).
What’s my point? Abusers will abuse, betrayers will betray and monsters will pose as mates, but don’t let the enemy make you believe that relationship means your love is required or obligated to unconditionally tolerate evil. Evil and love are enemies, and a house divided cannot stand. Anybody who tells you otherwise is an enemy of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and a believer in marital bondage. Your God is not the author of confusion, and His word is very clear about relationship rules: “Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned” (Titus 3:10-11).
Don’t enter into a relationship unless or until everybody is in agreement with what the boundaries and rules are…both boundaries and rules must have a zero tolerance of evil, unloving and diabolical behavior. Without an agreement on what the rules and boundaries are, you cannot walk in biblical agreement with that person beloved: “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:7). Don’t let lies, from anybody, make you question your boundaries or rules…Godly love is unconditional but relationship is not.
“Pay attention when people react with anger and hostility to your boundaries. You have just found the edge where their respect for you ends.”
7 Types of Boundaries
In a Positive Psychology article, a good examples of healthy boundaries include:
- Declining anything you don’t want to do
- Expressing your feelings responsibly
- Talking about your experiences honestly
- Replying in the moment
- Addressing problems directly with the person involved, rather than with a third party
- Making your expectations clear rather than assuming people will figure them out.
Whether a spouse, a family member or an organization, boundaries and rules are nonnegotiable.
Today’s Exercise
Boundaries are the foundation of and support for a healthy relationship. We’re not in relationship to harmed or to give anyone the privileges of us without the responsibilities of us. For today’s exercise, consider additional reading on boundaries and grabbing your journal and writing down your relationship boundaries and rules:
- “Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say no To Take Control of Your Life”
- “Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life Paperback”
- “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself”
- “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are”
Bless you,
Patrick
