Understanding the two biblical grounds for divorce and, God’s life-saving divorce and authority to remarry for injured spouses…
Let’s jump in…
The amount of misinformation and false information that is circulated and promoted regarding marriage, divorce and remarriage is frighteningly deceptive. How, why and for what purpose is up for debate but rest assured, whenever there’s a false report or a false application of the bible, there’s always a beneficiary. The question is who? Who is the beneficiary of the abundance of false and misapplied scriptures on covenant marriage, divorce and remarriage?
You can be sure that if it involves the oppression of women, if it results in God ordained bondage — of any kind, or if justifies and spiritualizes holy suffering at the hands of an abuser, nine out of ten times the beneficiary and the promoter is toxic religion or the deceived who have been conditioned to believe a false, toxic version of the bible. If you have followed my Facebook page, you know that I wrestle with the subject of intimate partner abuse — physical, mental and emotional, covenant marriage, life-saving divorce from a destructive marriage, and false biblical teaching on a regular basis. Why? Because false, biblically toxic teaching is dangerous, even deadly, for those suffering in destructive marriages. What’s worse is, despite knowing the truth, the church has done little to provide biblical clarity and freedom for spouses who are being devoured by predatory, willfully wicked, unrepentant and pathologically destructive spouses masquerading as a covenant spouse.
Let’s be clear, God does not make a distinction between emotional abuse and physical abuse, as all abuse stems from hatred, and hatred, in God eyes, is equal to being a murderer: “Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him” (1 John 3:15). Whether pathological neglect, diabolical withholding, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse or physical violence, abuse is not simply the behavior or the tactic, it’s the impact the behavior has or is intended to have on the victim — evil intent (James 1:13-15). Willfully destructive behavior is a tool abusive spouses use to coerce and control. Spousal abuse is not a marriage problem, spousal abuse of any kind is a sinful behavior problem that God rebukes and condemns because it not only rebels against His definition of love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8), it rebels against His marriage covenant (Ephesians 5:21-33).
Every spouse suffering in a destructive marriage and every single/couple contemplating marriage must know these three biblical truths about covenant marriage:
1. Maltreatment of a spouse — intentional, destructive, and unloving behavior, is immoral, rebellious and covenant breaking.
A spouse who intentionally and pathologically inflicts harm, destroys, betrays or causes a spouse to suffer — mentally, emotionally, spiritually or physically, is not a covenant spouse. The bible’s reference to Christian suffering is not in reference to an abusive spouse, it is in reference to the impending and certain conflict and rejection that the disciples then, and those who are called to make disciples now, will encounter as a result of witnessing to the world that hates God — not because of the world’s hate for you. The Apostle Paul wrote: “For to you it has been granted on behalf of Christ, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake, having the same conflict which you saw in me and now hear is in me” (Philippians 1:30).
When the Bible references suffering for Christ’s sake, it is not talking about needless suffering for or in a covenant marriage relationship, or any relationship, it’s talking about for the sake of the gospel or in the course of the disciples spreading of the gospel to a God hating, unbelieving world. The disciples were imprisoned, rejected, beaten and killed for spreading the gospel, by the world, not their spouses, and this spiritual suffering is what the Bible is referring to, not suffering at the hands of someone who is commanded to love you. Even still, suffering for the sake of the gospel is in reference to what disciples might encounter from a God hating world, not what God commanded them to tolerate — even from the world or unbelievers: “And whoever will not receive you nor hear your words, when you depart from that house or city, shake off the dust from your feet” (Matthew 10:14).
This is critical to understand, as you will see later, because this lie, “suffering for Christ’s sake,” in a marriage has been weaponized and used by false teachers to spiritually obligate an injured spouse (especially a woman) to endure a destructive mate. There is to be no suffering at the hands of those who are supposed to love you — as the result of their wicked, willful depravity: “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6). The one who is supposed to love you but doesn’t is condemned: “We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love each other. Anyone who does not love remains in death” (1 John 3:14). Then the Bible tells us: “Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen” (1 John 4:20).
What false teachers did not anticipate, ever, is that there would come a time when God’s people would no longer get their knowledge of God or His word exclusively from a Sunday service, a religion or a secondhand source. Instead, the body of Christ has gradually, intentionally and necessarily begun reading and studying the truth for themselves (2 Timothy 2:15). Now, it should be said that many have been gaslighted and manipulated into not trusting their own understanding of God’s word or not questioning the teaching of their “church leaders.” For you I will say this: anytime you are involved in a church, religion or denomination that discourages or punishes members for reading and getting an understand of God’s word on their own, or for believing different from the herd, there’s a problem, a cult problem. And the problem is not limited to the issue of divorce or remarriage, it’s about control — cultish control.
The covenant marriage is not an image of the hate the world has for God or the way a God hating world treated disciples — causing them to suffer for Christ’s sake. As you read in yesterday’s session, the covenant marriage is an image and the embodiment of the love that Christ has for the church: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:21-33).
There is no mistaking the biblical marriage covenant with the way in which a God hating world treated disciples or the suffering that disciples experienced at the hands of a God hating world. To even suggest that the biblical covenant marriage is an image of or tolerant of how the disciples were treated by a God hating world is an abomination, fraudulent and perhaps one of the most grotesque forms of heresy. Jesus rebuked this kind of religious heresy perpetrated on God’s people by the Pharisees: “They tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them…Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when you have succeeded, you make them twice as much a child of hell as you are” (Matthew 23:4, 15).
The bible specifically prohibits harmful, destructive, abusive, neglectful or treasonous treatment of a spouse — mentally, emotionally or physically: “Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly” (Colossians 3:19). This, as with all scripture, isn’t simply a masculine/feminine or a gender commandment, this is a biblical commandment of those who are commanded to love us. Why? Because God’s love does not cause others to suffer, hate does (1 John 3:15). The perpetrator of not taking care of those in one’s own house is worse than an unbeliever: “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8). Love is a fruit of the spirit (Galatians 5:22), and love, God’s love, the love of a believer or a covenant spouse does not hate or delight in evil: “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6). If someone who is commanded to love is destroying, betraying or abusing, they do not love, they hate — no matter who they are. The bible tells us that the dark heart that abuses and yet claims to love God, is a liar, they remain in death and they are to be removed not tolerated — spouses included:
“Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him” (1 John 3:15).
“The LORD examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion. On the wicked he will rain fiery coals and burning sulfur; a scorching wind will be their lot. For the LORD is righteous, he loves justice; the upright will see his face” (Psalm 11:5-7)
“I meant that you [the church assembly] are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people” (1 Corinthians 5:11).
“But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people” (2 Timothy 3:1-5).
Covenant marriage is not yours, it’s God’s. It’s God’s creation, and it is God’s design for God’s purpose…which is to personify, embody and project to the world the love that Christ has for the church (Ephesians 5:25-33). You aren’t in God’s covenant marriage if God’s covenant agreement is rejected, defiled and broken by depraved, rebellious and abominable behavior. God does not treat intentionally wicked, destructive, sinful behavior in a covenant marriage differently than any other relationship, including covenant relationship with Him: “Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them” (Romans 1:28-32). Which is why God commands the church assembly to expel someone whose behavior is willfully destructive (1 Corinthians 5:11), and why God commands the body of Christ to have nothing to do with such a person (2 Timothy 3:1-5)…“You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned” (Titus 3:10-11).
2. A spouse who abuses, intentionally causes suffering through sinful, covenant breaking behavior, is not a follower of Jesus Christ and they do not have a believers heart.
A spouse who mentally, emotionally or physically destroys their mate, is either an unbeliever or an unbelieving believer — which is worse than an unbeliever: “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8). It doesn’t matter what they say, it doesn’t matter if they sit in a church, it doesn’t matter if they have a church title, it doesn’t matter if they pray every single day, God cuts Himself off from a spouse who is a pathological destroyer of their mate (1 Peter 3:7). They are not believing, behaviorally, if they abuse, neglect, betray or destroy their spouse — mentally, emotionally or physically…by their fruit we will know them: “…Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them” (Matthew 7:15-20).
Just like covenant relationship with God, covenant relationship with a spouse is not lip service: “These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me” (Matthew 15:8). Belief and following are two different things…following requires behavioral obedience and fruit (John 15:8), belief doesn’t even require you to be a follower or saved: “You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder” (James 2:19).
This is critical to understand because many believe, have been told, that their “Christian” spouse has a special exemption from punishment or consequences for covenant breaking behavior. That is false and contradicts their entire bible. God condemns those who claim to believe but their hearts are far from Him (Matthew 7:21-23, Romans 1:28-32) — spouses included. When the bible tells us that you will reap what you sow, that includes unbelieving believers, rebellious, abusive and covenant breaking spouses: “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life” (Galatians 6:7-8).
3. All marriages are not equal in God’s sight. God makes a way for escape for spouses injured by covenant breaking behavior which specifically includes adultery and abandonment — physical, emotional, mental and physical abuse, neglect or harsh treatment.
When the bible speaks about marriage in the new testament, and grounds for divorce, many falsely believe that when Jesus was talking the Pharisees that He was talking about all marriages. In the two passages that Jesus talked about marriage and divorce for the cause of adultery (Matthew 5:31-32, Matthew 19:1-9), in context, Jesus was specially rebuking and addressing the pervasive and rebellious issue of religious men hiding behind the law to put their wives away (divorce) to have adulterous affairs. This is the same behavior that God rebuked in Malachi 2:11-16 – NIV, which we will get to in a minute. These religious men Jesus was talking to not only were throwing their wives away like trash to have adulterous affairs, they were doing so without giving the wife a letter of divorcement.
Because of societal, religious and cultural norms at that time, a wife who would be thrown away without a letter of divorcement would be culturally, religiously and societally shunned, relegated to a life of destitution, and unable to remarry. The Pharisees wanted to get Jesus to co-sign their unfaithful, rebellious behavior and Jesus spiritually discerned their intent, which is noted in Matthew 19:3: “Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” The Pharisees were covertly trying to test Jesus on the subject of divorce because of their corrupt and rebellious behavior towards their wives. Why were the Pharisees testing Jesus on divorce? Because the very same scripture that is falsely used to coerce injured spouses to stay in a covenant violating and destructive marriage, “God hates divorce,” tells us why — when it’s read in context and accurately translated: “Judah has been unfaithful. A detestable thing has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem: Judah has desecrated the sanctuary the Lord loves by marrying women who worship a foreign god. As for the man who does this, whoever he may be, may the Lord remove him from the tents of Jacob—even though he brings an offering to the Lord Almighty. Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty” (Malachi 2:11-16, NIV).
That’s correct, the bible doesn’t say God hates divorce. God hates the unfaithful, covenant breaking behavior that causes violence to one that we’re supposed to love. Why? Because God’s hates the wicked and the violent with a passion (Psalm 11:5-7), spouses included: “The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion. On the wicked he will rain fiery coals and burning sulfur; a scorching wind will be their lot. For the Lord is righteous, he loves justice; the upright will see his face” (Psalm 11:5-7).
Malachi 2:16, as you see, when read in context and accurately translated, is addressing unfaithful religious husbands who were putting their wives away without a letter of divorce to have adulterous affairs with Canaanite women. This abominable behavior is what God is addressing in Malachi 2:11-16, and which is why the accurate translation of Malachi 2:16, is not “God hates divorce” but rather, “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect.” I’ll say it again, “Who benefits from God’s word being twisted and distorted to coerce and obligate an injured spouse, particularly women, to stay in a destructive marriage with a scripture that is, in actuality, a rebuke of unfaithful husbands?
As with all scripture in the bible, context matters. To emphasize the difference between a biblical covenant marriage — between two covenant faithful individuals, and a marriage that God does not consider to be a covenant marriage, listen to what Jesus said to the woman at the well: “The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true” (John 4:18). Many falsely assume that the woman at the well was a prostitute, slept around or was a fornicator. That is not in the bible and that is not true, it’s made up. And as with all scripture that is made up, you can verify it for yourself.
Jesus was telling the woman at the well that she was not in a covenant marriage. This clearly and obviously defies what some claim about marriage … that all marriages are covenant and all marriages are joined together by God. That is not true, that is impossible, and that is unbiblical. God’s plans for us tell us that He cannot join us together in a covenant marriage with an intentionally and willfully rebellious, unloving, deceptive, destructive, harmful or evil spouse: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). Given what God’s plans are for us, what do you think Jesus was saying to the woman at the well about the husband she was married to?
If all it took for God to join His people together was “I do” wouldn’t that cause a problem as well as contradict His plans for us? Wouldn’t that mean that God does not search and know the intent of the heart?: “I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve” (Jeremiah 17:10). To assert or claim that God joins people together because they said “I do” negates God’s covenant agreement with us, as well as causes God to be a co-signer of evil intentions towards His child — which will harm them. That’s a lie from the pit of hell.
God doesn’t put His children in the fiery furnace, the pit or the lions den. No, God rescues His children from the jaws of the enemy by making a way for our escape: “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).
Contrary to popular Christian folklore and religious scripture twisting, adultery is not the only biblical grounds for divorce. In all instances of divorce based on biblical grounds, the injured spouse is biblically restored back to the status of single, and they have biblical authority to remarry. That is the difference between a divorce having biblical grounds and a divorce that doesn’t. A divorce based on biblical grounds, in biblical times, was confirmed by a certificate of divorce (Deuteronomy 24:1-4), a document that legally establishes her freedom from the marriage. As Pastor and Author Dave Miller correctly affirms, “The wording of this certificate that was used among the Hebrews as recorded there says: “Let this be from me your writ of divorce and letter of dismissal and deed of liberation; that you may marry whatsoever man you will.” This establishes an important fact. A divorce done under biblical grounds and in a proper fashion is the ending of the marriage relationship. The person properly divorced is free to and expected to remarry. Divorce is the severing of the marriage relationship and frees the person to remarry.”
Furthermore, you should know that the reason Jesus addressed the religious men was because women, under the law, had no rights and therefore only a man could divorce a woman, a woman could not divorce a man because the religious society treated women as property not equals — unlike under grace (1 Peter 3:7, Galatians 3:28). This oppression was not a part of God’s plan or will for women, it was a result of the dark religious hearts of toxic patriarchal misfits who Jesus rebuked (Matthew 23). Despite women being equal under grace (Galatians 3:28), religious men continued to treat women as property and as such, women were not allowed to give a letter of divorce to the man even for divorce based on biblical grounds — only the man could give a letter of divorce. To make matters worse, the religious men would “put away” their wives, which is to leave them without giving them a letter of divorce, causing the woman to suffer (against God’s will) for the rest of her life in poverty and be forbidden to remarry — because the because the rebellious husband “put her away” without a letter of divorce. Without a letter of divorce the woman did not have the biblical right to remarry, while the rebellious religious husband had multiple wives.
What’s also important to understand about “putting away” is when the bible speaks of being unable remarry or remarrying is a sin, it is referring to the spouse who is put away, a spouse who is not divorced for biblical reasons or a spouse who is separated but not divorced, not the spouse who has a letter of divorce or a spouse whose divorce is for biblical reasons. Marriages then and today that are terminated based on biblical grounds and in accordance with the letter of divorce (in our case the divorce decree), gives the divorced the right to remarry. It is important to understand scripture from this perspectives because separation, separation without a letter of divorce, or a divorce that is not based on biblical grounds are what the bible is referring to whenever it forbids remarriage. It deserves repeating, a spouse who divorces for biblical reasons, either of the two biblical grounds, is not prohibited from remarrying, only a spouse who divorces or separates for nonbiblical reasons is.
Just as the immorality of adultery is biblical grounds for divorce, so is the immorality of departure or abandonment of the covenant marriage — physically or behaviorally. Jesus didn’t address the immorality of abandonment because Jesus was addressing what was common among the perverted religious men at that time. But the bible doesn’t stop there or end with Jesus’ rebuke of religious men, the Apostle Paul continued the discussion, instruction and addressed the immorality of abandonment.
False teachers have been been deceiving believers with the false notion that the bible permits divorce only in the case of adultery since the beginning of time. it conforms to the old adage, “If you tell a lie big enough, long enough, people will believe it.” And this is no exception. Again, for whose benefit and to whose detriment is this lie being told? This is what I call abuser friendly theology, theology that spiritually oppresses injured spouses and accommodates destructive, abusive, and willfully wicked spouses. The bible specifically told the church to deliver God’s children from the hands of the wicked, not coerce them into forfeiting their divine inheritance and God’s promise by staying in a destructive, covenant breaking marriage: “How long will you defend the unjust and show partiality to the wicked? Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked” (Psalm 82:2-4). Does it sound like abuser friendly theology agrees with the bible’s command to deliver God’s children from the hand of the wicked?
To receive and believe God’s truth, sometimes we have to suspend the lies that we’ve been taught to believe in order to allow ourselves the room to receive new truth. You cannot pour new wine into old wine skins (Luke 5:37-39).
To the shock and surprise of most who have been fed false teaching about covenant marriage, divorce and remarriage, the bible not only tells us that adultery is biblical grounds for divorce, it also tells us that departure or covenant abandonment — behaviorally or physically, is grounds for biblical divorce. In fact, God commands His child who has been abandoned to let unbelieving, immoral spouse go and be free from covenant bondage: “But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace” (1 Corinthians 7:15). Being called to peace, or freedom, from covenant abandonment, is God ordained divorce and restoration for spouses injured by the immorality of abandonment — physically or behaviorally. Just as God severs relationship when a believer’s behavior willfully rebels against His covenant relationship (Romans 1:28-32), God’s standard for your covenant relationship is no less.
Biblical grounds for divorce, whether because of the immorality of adultery or departure/abandonment, frees the injured spouse from the bondage of that marriage and divinely restores them to a status of single. In the bible, this was formalized through a certificate of divorce, today this is formalized in a divorce decree. The divorce doesn’t end the marriage, covenant breaking behavior does. The bible tells us that the court, the legal system, serves a purpose — to administer God’s divine justice: “For the one in authority is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for rulers do not bear the sword for no reason. They are God’s servants, agents of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer” (Romans 13:4). Divorce is a legal confirmation that the marriage covenant was broken, and that the injured spouse’s legal status of single is restored, which gives the injured spouse both the divine and the legal authority to remarry — if they so choose. Remarriage is always a divine right when the divorce is based on either of the two biblical grounds.
In conclusion
Context matters. When the bible is read is isolation on any subject, or when scriptures are cherrypicked, it lends itself to false teachers and gross misapplication. The bible address both the covenant marriage between two people who are submitted to behavior that reverences Jesus, and the marriage that is not God’s will for His child or not a biblical covenant marriage. Jesus would have to have been “joking” or lying to the woman at the well if all marriages were covenant or God ordained. They are not, and both the examination of Jesus’ conversation with the woman at the well and 1 Corinthians 7:15, confirm that.
When divorced on biblical grounds, a spouse is not biblically obligated or commanded to remain single, not remarry or stay single unless they reconcile with the covenant breaking, destructive spouse. Any teaching to the contrary is false, unbiblical and destructive abuser friendly theology.
Today’s Exercise
- Read the helpful article, Is Reconciling With An Abuser Possible
- Click the link below and review the short eBook on life-saving divorce from an abusive, destructive marriage.
- Consider what you would say to someone who has been falsely taught that God hates divorce.
- Consider what you would say to someone who was told that the only biblical grounds for divorce is adultery.
- Consider what you might say to an abuse victim, a spouse being coerced by religious lies to stay in a destructive marriage by their church, family or “Christian” friends.
- Consider reading Gretchen Baskerville’s book, “The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships“
