God’s heart and will for biblical covenant marriages…
Let’s jump in…
Yesterday, we discussed the difference between the biblical marriage covenant and wedding vows. I want to emphasize the importance of understanding the difference and why it’s critical to have a biblical view of both. Think of wedding vows, whether traditional or written by the couple, as a symbol not an agreement. A symbol that should signify that there is an existing marriage covenant agreement being publicly attested to or affirmed by “I do.” Not that it does but that’s the idea.
As we also discussed, wedding vows don’t mean that there’s a covenant agreement or that either party is in agreement with God’s marriage covenant. A Question that I often get is, “What if you didn’t get married as believers, is the marriage still God approved?” The short answer is yes. The long answer is, at the heart of the biblical marriage covenant is love. Love honored, respected and reciprocated. A person who may not be religious or “saved” can love and commit to loving with heart, mind and behavior that agrees with God’s plans for marriage. Marriage is not an event, it’s a journey, and the unsaved couple who is committed to honoring, respecting and reciprocating love is just as likely to have a healthy and prosperous marriage as two people who are “Christians.” Christianity or the profession of faith doesn’t mean that a person is perfect or even qualified to be in a covenant marriage. Christians are not perfect people, Christians are people who believe in a perfect God and have made a conscious decision to obey, honor and pursue God’s will for their life, love and soul prosperity. Many fall short, most fall short, and that’s why the bottom line truth is, behavior is what God uses to join and to bind two people together in covenant marriage, not words.
Being a Christian doesn’t mean that we are without sin or without issues: “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8). The Apostle Paul said of himself: “So this is the principle I have discovered: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me” (Romans 7:21). My point is, and an important key to establishing covenant, words can be deceiving. Just because someone calls themselves a Christian and you marry them because they say they are a Christian, doesn’t mean you have covenant agreement or that God joined you together. Remember Judas’ love for Jesus was overruled by his evil desire. God is not looking at words, God is looking at their heart posture and behavior: “I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve” (Jeremiah 17:10). God is not impressed by the simple fact that someone claims to be a believer: “You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble!” (James 2:19). When it comes to a covenant marriage, it’s about the heart, mind and behavior that agrees with God’s plans for covenant marriage.
What about being unevenly yoked? This is a very common question. The bible tells us: “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14). This passage has long been associated with marriage, however, it’s biblical meaning has nothing to do with marriage, directly. This passage is in reference to the fellowship of believers with those who are pursuing evil, willfully lawless and rebellious, and behaviorally depraved or wicked towards others — no matter what the relationship is. Specifically, at that time, some of the newly converted Gentile members of the church were willing to go to sacrificial feasts in heathen temples (1 Corinthians 8-10.). “Unequally yoked” is a metaphor derived from Leviticus 19:19 and Deuteronomy 22:10, and is the opposite of “true yoke fellow” (Philippians 4:3). “What fellowship” literally means “participation” (Ephesians 5:6-11). “Unrighteousness” literally means lawlessness (1 John 3:4). It was a special mark of heathen life (Romans 7:19). This antithesis is specially prominent in Ephesians 5:9-11 and Colossians 1:12, 13. In other words, this passage is warning believers to not knowingly pursue or participate in relationships of any kind that undermine and contradict their faith (2 Timothy 3:1-5). Most people don’t say I do to someone who they believe has a swine mentality and will turn around and tear them to pieces (Matthew 7:6), but the truth is, sometimes, we unknowingly do.
This leads us to the biblical definition, purpose and protection of God’s marriage covenant. Most don’t get married believing that the person they’re marrying is a lawless, rebellious, God hating, dark hearted individual who has no intentions of committing to behavior that respects, honors and reciprocates covenant love — the love that Christ has for the church (Ephesians 5:25). Equally as true, most don’t get married to someone believing or thinking that they are marrying an abuser — mental, emotional or physical, a betrayer, a covert narcissist or a sociopath. The blissful and genuine belief, for most, is that they are marrying the love of their life, who they will live happily ever after with. God’s plan for happily ever after however, is not based on emotions or words, God’s plan for happy ever after is based on covenant behavior.
The Definition
The definition of the biblical marriage covenant, in its simplest form, is an agreement to honor, respect and reciprocate intimate love. Love is not simply a feeling but rather a choice — a daily choice. Love, covenant love, is defined biblically as follows: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). It’s important to understand this definition of love both from a premarital and marriage standpoint. The biblical definition of love is not a feeling, it’s a result. In other words, you can verbalize or emote love, but biblical love is backed up by action and behavior that results in loving someone or causing someone to be loved. Talk is cheap. Many abused spouses have been told by the abusing spouse that they are loved but does biblical love delight in evil? No, so the words don’t mean a thing if the behavior doesn’t back it up.
God’s covenant marriage definition is simple and direct, and is found in Ephesians 5:21-33:
(21) Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (22) Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. (23) For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. (24) Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (25) Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (26) to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, (27) and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. (28) In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (29) After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— (30) for we are members of his body. (31) “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” (32) This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. (33) However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
When reading the biblical marriage covenant, imagine that it is broken down into four parts:
- Verse 21 is the covenant foundation or prerequisite
- Verses 22-24 are the instructions to the wife and speaks to the covenant heart posture.
- Verses 25-30 are the instructions to the husband and speaks to the covenant heart posture.
- Verses 31-33 ties it all together.
Several disturbing and false teachings have caused for the marriage covenant to be focused almost solely on Verses 22-24: “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” This is for several reasons but the most common reason is toxic, misogynistic patriarchy.
The singular focus on the wife’s role completely distorts the marriage covenant. When viewed apart from the marriage covenant or in isolation, it not only presupposes that the wife is submitting and the husband is not but it also opens the door for an oppressive spirit, an imbalance of power and the idea that submission is the woman’s duty and a husbands reward for being a man — any kind of man. That’s a whole lie and the opposite of God’s heart and will for covenant marriages. The wife’s submission is not unlike her husbands submission to her, and both the husband and wife are submitted to each other out of reverence for Christ, as commanded in Verse 21: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” When the focus of the marriage covenant is on the wife submitting, it negates the fact that submission is a heart posture and pertains to both spouses being devoted to each other, through behavior, humility and devotion that reverences their Savior.
Abuser friendly and dangerous teaching converts the woman’s role in a covenant marriage to property rather than an equal or joint heir under grace: “Husbands do likewise, dwelling with them according to knowledge, as with a weaker vessel, with the female, rendering honor as joint-heirs also of the grace of life, so as for your prayers not to be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7). Remember, Verse 32 tells us that the biblical marriage covenant is not worldly, it’s spiritual: “This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.” Nothing in or about the biblical marriage covenant has to do with inequality or inferiority. The purpose and use of submission is not to promote blind loyalty but rather to confirm the heart posture, of both spouses, that reciprocates and honors covenant love.
This leads us to another rampant and false application of Verses 22-24. Verse 22 says, “Wives, submit yourself to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” Now on the surface, if read in isolation and if not rightly divided, this verse would appear to be the only mention of submission and would appear to be from a inferior mate to a superior mate. This is not true and is a common fallacy when this verse is used or quoted in isolation. The verse is a continuation of Verse 21, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” The application of this verse is the same as 1 Corinthians 7:2: “Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.” The point of this verse is to emphasize devotion to a mate, not blind loyalty, subservience or one-way submission.
The next false and frequently distorted verses are 23-24: For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Again, when taken out of context or viewed in isolation, it would seem that God is commanding a wife to be subservient or beneath a husband, which is absolutely not true. Remember 1 Peter 3:7: “Husbands do likewise, dwelling with them according to knowledge, as with a weaker vessel, with the female, rendering honor as joint-heirs also of the grace of life, so as for your prayers not to be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7). Verses 23-24 do not relegate a covenant wife to a bondmaid or inferior to her husband, which is contrary to God’s word (Galatians 3:28). In fact, it’s a confirmation of the way in which her husband is to honor her through His submission (Verses 25-30), and what a covenant wife is submitting to.
In Verses 23-24, the marriage covenant is relating the behavior of spouses to the love that Christ loves the church, as does the entire marriage covenant. The “head” that embodies the love that Christ has for the church, is not the worldly definition but the biblical definition: “Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, “If anyone wants to be first, he must be the last of all and the servant of all” (Mark 9:35). The head that a covenant wife has a submitted heart posture towards is serving her with the love that Christ has for the church and is submitted to God’s definition of a head, not the world’s definition.
Verses 23-24 sets us up for Verses 25-30, which defines what a submitted and serving husband’s heart posture looks like when their behavior reverences Christ: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” Now, if anyone reads Verses 22-24, out of context or in isolation, or bypasses Verses 25-30, it undermines Verses 31-33: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” The biblical marriage covenant is not between an inferior and a superior, Pharaoh and a slave. It’s a profound and unworldly love that embodies and represents the love that Christ has for the church — when love is honored, respected and reciprocated between joint-heirs of the grace of God (1 Peter 3:7).
The Purpose
With the definition of the biblical marriage covenant, the purpose becomes clear. Verses 25 sums it up: To embody and represent, through mutually submitted behavior that reverences Christ, the love that Christ has for the church in an intimate, marriage relationship. That’s it. When we add or try to create religious additives that deviate from the definition of the biblical marriage covenant, the purpose and the protection is undermined — to the detriment of God’s plan for covenant marriage and the protections assured through covenant marriage.
The covenant marriage is not an idol, and neither is its purpose to create a god out of a man/husband. A wife and husband are in a covenant marriage when they are submitted to the purpose of covenant marriage through behavior that reverences their Savior and glorifies God. Does this mean that covenant marriage is easy or perfect? No. Does this mean that the marriage covenant guarantees that there won’t be problems in a marriage? No. The marriage covenant is the goal of becoming one (Verse 31), the pursuit of love and the results of two hearts submitted for the purpose of glorifying God through marriage.
The Protection
Like the purpose, the protection afforded spouses through the marriage covenant should be clear: spouses should not be subjected to or required to suffer behavior by their spouse that defies, contradicts, undermines and demonizes the love that Christ has for the church in an intimate, marriage relationship. That should go without saying but unfortunately, the pervasiveness of false, toxic and contradictory teaching regarding the biblical marriage covenant leads many to believe that anything is allowed in a biblical marriage and that spouses are exempted from the consequences of betraying a spouse and the marriage covenant.
Nobody gets married with the intent to divorce, be abused or betrayed. The marriage covenant definition and purpose is not open for interpretation. Who God joins together is not an enemies, not a slave and a master, not an inferior and a superior, not a deceiving and an innocent spouse, and not a covert monster masquerading as a spouse and a submitted spouse.
The marriage covenant is a two-edged sword and when violently, maliciously, recklessly, wickedly and destructively violated, that is marital treason. The reward for marital treason is the same as it is for any other sin, condemnation. The wages of sin is death, not a spouse. The bible tells us, “A house divided cannot stand,” and this is never more true than in a marriage that is sabotaged by a willfully, pathologically abusive, neglectful, harmful or treacherous spouse — physically, mentally or emotionally. Likewise, marriage is the most rewarding and loving union when spouses commit to and honor God’s definition and purpose for marriage.
But when behavior in a marriage contradicts and breaks the marriage covenant, the bible tells us that there are two specific causes or grounds for divorce. Adultery is not the only biblical grounds for divorce, it’s the only biblical grounds for divorce that most have been taught — conveniently. Don’t miss tomorrow’s discussion: Understanding the two biblical grounds for divorce and, God’s life-saving divorce and authority to remarry for injured spouses.
Today’s Exercise
- Review the marriage covenant and write down behaviors that would undermine, defy or contradict God’s definition.
- Consider the discussion and write down what your thoughts/beliefs were about God’s marriage covenant before and after reading today’s discussion.
- Answer this question for you and your partner or spouse: Who taught you how to love and how were you taught (by dysfunctional family/care takers, traumatic relationship experiences, misinformation, etc.)
- Read Barbara Roberts article Church discipline and church permission for divorce – how my mind has changed and consider reading her book: Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery and Desertion
