Wedding vows and the biblical marriage covenant.
Let’s jump in…
One of the most repeated statements I hear from abused, betrayed and abandoned spouses is, “I was told that breaking my wedding vows is a sin.” My response is always, “Who told you that?” I’m not saying that wedding vows should be taken lightly, or marriage for that matter, I’m saying that wedding vows are not the biblical marriage covenant nor do they establish a biblical covenant marriage. I know this goes against everything some have heard, it’s certainly not what most in the church have heard. But the truth is, while a part of a traditional public wedding ceremony — particularly in Western culture, wedding vows are not biblical, they are not created by God, they do not join or obligate God to join people together in biblical marriage covenant, and they are not exclusive to Christians or believers. Before you throw your phone down or stop reading because you’ve heard differently, read further…the truth matters.
The institution of marriage is man-made, the biblical covenant marriage is God made.
Before we examine the origin of wedding vows, let me preface our discussion today with this…neither wedding vows or the bible’s marriage covenant bind a spouse to a pathologically abusive, destructive marriage. The abuse, betrayal or destruction of a spouse is marital treason. The biblical marriage covenant has a zero tolerance for abuse, neglect or behavior that destroys a spouse — mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually or financially, and wedding vows do not trump or overrule God’s marriage covenant (Ephesians 5:21-33).
Whether a couple contemplating/considering marriage or someone in a marriage, it’s critical not only to understand the origin of wedding vows but to also understand the difference between wedding vows and God’s biblical marriage covenant. Wedding vows have been long used to spiritually abuse, guilt and coerce injured spouses into staying in a destructive marriage. While marriage vows are a part of a public wedding ceremony, they do not join God’s people together nor do they mean that a spouse is saying “I do” to being destroyed, betrayed, abused or abandoned — physically or behaviorally. Wedding vows are just words unless backed up by behavior that obeys God’s biblical marriage covenant (Ephesians 5:21-33).
As you know, both believers and non-believers use wedding vows in a public wedding ceremony. And, while some couples choose to write their own wedding vows, the popular beliefs, in and out of the church, are that wedding vows come from the bible or God, God joins His people together through wedding vows. It’s not so. It cannot be so and it will never be so. God is not controlled by man, nor does His word give man the ability to dictate His will. When we think of wedding vows, we have to think “tradition” not biblical. It’s traditional to say wedding vows and wedding vows are commonly used by most but wedding vows are an outward expression — real or not, that don’t define have to agree with the heart of the individual, the intent of the individual or the ability of the individual… remember our conversation about Judas?
Let’s look at the origin of wedding vows…
The oldest traditional wedding vows can be traced back to the manuals of the medieval church. In England, there were manuals of the dioceses of Salisbury (Sarum) and York. The compilers of the first Book of Common Prayer, published in 1549, based its marriage service mainly on the Sarum manual. Upon agreement to marry, the Church of England usually offered couples a choice. The couple could promise each other to “love and cherish” or, alternatively, the groom promises to “love, cherish, and worship”, and the bride to “love, cherish, and obey”. [ “All Heart Weddings – The History of Wedding Vows”. All Heart Weddings. Archived from the original on 30 May 2013. Retrieved 26 April 2013]
An older version of the final phrase is “until death us depart” where “depart” means “separate”. “Until death us depart” had to be changed due to changes in the usage of “depart” in the Prayer Book of 1662. In the 1928 prayer book (not authorized) and in editions of the 1662 prayer book printed thereafter “obey” was retained (in the 1928 book an alternative version omitted this). The 1928 revised form of Matrimony was quite widely adopted, though the form of 1662 was also widely used, though less so after the introduction of the Alternative Service Book.
As Ryan Ahlgrim notes in his article, “Where are marriage ceremonies in the bible” … “Marriage in the Bible simply consists of a man and woman, with the consent of the woman’s father or guardian, living together and attempting procreation. No vows, no priest, no ritual, no prayer, no pronouncement, no license, no registration.” In biblical times, a marriage was arranged by the fathers of both the groom and bride. Essentially, the bride was considered the property of her father until such time as the father representing a different family established a contract with her father to give her hand in marriage.
Not until between 1865 and 1867 were slaves in the United states even permitted to marry or have a legal wedding, let alone use wedding vows. The US Federal Government formally recognized the legal institution of marriage for the first time with the passage of the Revenue Act of 1913. The driving force behind the westernized version of marriage, the institution of marriage, was not God or Christianity but to allow the secure transfer of property within a family. The legal institution of marriage is for all, saved or unsaved, and wedding vows are used traditionally to signify the joining together of two people in matrimony.
What’s important to understand about wedding vows, as we know them, is that they are man-made, as with many beliefs that have been grafted into Christianity by way of Christian folklore or religiosity. This doesn’t mean that wedding vows are wrong or, as far as intent goes, don’t represent a profession of love and an desire to “love honor and cherish”. This is all well and fine but as I said before, anybody, Christian or not, predator or deceiver, can say wedding vows as a part of a publica wedding ceremony. But the point is, wedding vows and wedding ceremonies, as we know them, are not biblical. Nether did traditional wedding ceremonies or traditional wedding vows exist in biblical times, nor churches for that matter, which is why man-made wedding vows do not establish a biblical marriage covenant — force God to join two people together. If they did, even the unbeliever, the ashiest and the demon could be biblically joined together by God by saying wedding vows — because they all use them.
This is why it is important as a married couple and as singles contemplating marriage, to understand God’s biblical marriage covenant and it’s meaning. God’s biblical marriage covenant is not based on public ceremony or words that anybody can say. Words alone, wedding vows, can get anyone into a marriage but words don’t biblically join us together by God, mean that we married a person who is covenant minded, or that we married the right person.
The foundation of and prerequisite for a biblical covenant marriage is Ephesians 5:21: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” A closer look at Ephesians 5:21, reveals who God joins together and the basis for a biblical covenant marriage. The prerequisite for a biblical covenant marriage is heart, mind and behavior submitted to each other out of reverence, or a deep and profound respect, for Christ. In other words, Judas taught us that you can’t submit your heart, mind and behavior out of reverence for Christ without being a follower of Jesus Christ. I didn’t say believer, I said follower…”even the demons believe and tremble” (James 2:19)
This is a hard one because not all Christians are even aware of the biblical condition for covenant marriage. This doesn’t mean that the couple who didn’t know what the covenant condition was cannot be in a covenant marriage or cannot establish a covenant marriage. It means, just because someone says “I do” doesn’t mean they will or even plan on submitting their heart, mind and behavior “out of reverence for Christ.” In other words, the commitment to the marriage covenant is not simply out of love for your spouse, it’s also out of reverence — a deep and profound respect, for Christ. The love, loyalty and respect in a marriage is a reflection of the couple’s reverence for Christ.
Why does reverence for Christ matter and why is it a prerequisite for a biblical covenant marriage? Because of God’s design and purpose for marriage. God designed and purposed covenant marriage not only for the benefit of the couple or to procreate, but also, as the biblical marriage covenant tells us, to embody and project to the world the love that Christ has for the church: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:25-33).
If covenant marriage is an expression and reflection of the love that Christ has for the church, then we know words alone cannot represent Christ’s love for the church. Christ’s behavior towards the church was submitted to God: “but I do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father” (John 14:31). Being submitted isn’t a matter of saying “I do”, being submitted in relationship with God or a spouse, means to do or act for the glory of God: “…whatever you do, do everything for the glory of God” (1 Cor 10:31). Lip service does not establish a covenant relationship with a spouse or God: “These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me” (Matthew 15:8), behavior does.
Can you imagine someone having an ulterior motive, a hidden agenda, or a predatory mentality saying “I do” and God joining His child to that person knowing their evil desire, knowing their heart? Can you imagine God basing a covenant marriage on words alone, in direct contradiction of His word? Well, that’s exactly what would have to happen in order for words alone to join God’s people together — with any and everybody who says I do: “I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve” (Jeremiah 17:10). If all will not enter into heaven by simply saying Lord, Lord, you can be sure that all will not be joined together in covenant marriage by simply saying, I do: “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 7:21).
“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows” (Galatians 6:7)
A biblical covenant marriage is a behavioral agreement at its finest. Whether a marriage covenant or covenant relationship with God (Romans 1:28-32), church fellowship (1 Corinthians 5:11), or relationship with God’s children, heart posture and behavior establishes or prohibits covenant relationship: “But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people” (2 Timothy 3:1-5)…spouses included.
Two people that God joins together agree to honor God through behavior that is submitted to obeying the marriage covenant (Ephesians 5:21-33), out of reverence for Christ. No matter what the wedding cost, no matter how elaborate or small the wedding is, no matter how big or small the wedding party is, and no matter what vows they say on that alter, a biblical marriage covenant is not lip service, it’s an agreement to and a fulfillment of the marriage covenant agreement through behavior that gives God the glory and strives to be a symbol of the love that Christ has for the church.
Remember the discussion from yesterday about the three stages before a couple says “I do”? We discussed the discovery phase, the dating phase and the courting phase. Understanding the difference between the biblical marriage covenant and wedding vows, helps us to understand why there has to be a careful, thoughtful and intentional approach to marriage — a covenant marriage. There has to be an agreement and evidence of commitment to covenant behavior before you say “I do”. “I do,” in effect, should be a confirmation of what was agreed to and validated before saying “I do”. In a perfect world, all people who said I do would be capable of upholding God’s marriage covenant agreement but the reality is, anyone can say I do, and many have discovered that a monster masquerading as a mate can say I do.
Covenant agreement is established prior to a public ceremony — if you base covenant marriage on the biblical conditions, beliefs and qualities of a covenant spouse. You don’t get married to “find out if” someone is covenant ready, willing and able to be a covenant spouse. And few, if any, get married believing that the person they’re marrying is an imposter or a spouse crusher. God doesn’t allow us to marry the wrong person, wrong information allows us to marry the wrong person. God’s part is to reveal who the person is and make a way for your escape if the truth is they are a covenant breaking spouse destroyer: “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).
Does this mean that marriage is perfect for covenant spouses? No, not by any stretch of the imagination. It means their heart, mind and behavior are mutually submitted, bidirectional and equal, to giving God the glory. Does that mean covenant spouses won’t have growing pains or struggles? No. It means their heart, intentions and actions are anchored in a deep and profound respect for Christ. Just as Christ was submitted to God, so are covenant marriage partners submitted to God. Marital treason is the results of abuse – physical, emotional, mental, sexual, financial or spiritual, neglect, betrayal and abandonment — physical or behavioral. Abuse is not a marriage problem, abuse of any kind is a behavioral problem caused by evil desire, remember Judas, that violates and breaks the biblical marriage covenant. Why? Because God’s love, the love that Christ has for the church, the love that is the fruit of the spirit, does not delight in evil (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).
“The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion. On the wicked he will rain fiery coals and burning sulfur; a scorching wind will be their lot” (Psalm 11:5-6)
What happens when you marry for all the right reasons, you think, but the person you marry has all the wrong intentions or turns out to be a monster masquerading as a covenant spouse? This is perhaps one of the most important reasons for reading tomorrow’s session. Just as words don’t establish a biblical marriage covenant, behavior can biblically violate, betray and nullify a marriage covenant.
Food for thought…
For those contemplating or planning to marry, before you plan the wedding, plan your marriage. Planning your marriage is a prerequisite for wedding planning. In other words, if you put months into planning for one day, make sure you put just as much time into a mutual agreement for how every day will look — behaviorally, after the one day. Wedding vows don’t make marriage’s work, covenant behavior agreements do.
A Covenant Behavior Agreement (CBA) should at least include the below:
- The same effort you put into dating and courting them, is the same effort you need to put into keeping them (Galatians 6:9).
- You have a birth name, and you won’t tolerate being called by any derogatory name. Don’t call your spouse by any name that God and love would not approve of (Ephesians 4:29).
- Intimacy is not a treat or an exception, it’s a lifestyle and a rule. Intimacy is not sex, it’s making love standing up. Intimacy is not simply communication, intimacy is vulnerable, compassionate, considerate, unselfish, safe and loving behavior that nurtures the whole person —— because we are body, soul, and spirit (1 Thessalonians 5:23).
- Just as the Bible says, “Anger but sin not,” couples must remember to anger but disrespect not. Spouses will argue and disagree, there will be days when they won’t like each other but love does not disrespect a spouse on any day. Disrespect will not be tolerated, excused or accommodated (Ephesians 4:26-27, Colossians 3:19).
- You don’t get to tell your mate what hurts them, you get to listen, understand and empathize with what hurts them and compassionately seek to address harmful, unhealthy behavior that causes them hurt (Philippians 2:3).
- You don’t get submission without submission. Equally yoked couples are equally submitted (Ephesians 5:21). Just like love, submission in a covenant relationship is reciprocal, not a wife’s or a husbands sole responsibility or obligation.
- Your mama, daddy, family and friends (and for some couples, video games), are valued but not given ability to disrespect, disregard or override the boundaries that protect your house and the relationship from toxic intrusion, disrespect or neglect (Matthew 12:25, Mark 10:9, 1 Timothy 5:8).
- Practice speaking in love, arguing in love, and uphold the character of love in all interactions (1 Corinthians 13:1–8). A spouse is your person, and the love, honor and respect should be consciously and intentionally practiced in a marriage and never allowed to be an exception rather than the rule.
- Make love, enjoy unselfishly fulfilling each other sexually and do not emotionally or sexually give yourselves to anybody else — virtual relationships and pornography included (Hebrews 13:4, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5). Making love or having sex is not a replacement, substitute or synonym for intimacy. Intimacy, emotional love making, makes sex enjoyable.
- Pathologically abusive behavior, harmful behavior, hurtful behavior, destructive behavior —— mental, emotional, physical, financial, sexual or spiritual, is treacherous and violates God’s marriage covenant (Ephesians 5:21-33, Colossians 3:19). Both the treason of abandonment – physical or behavioral, and adultery – physical or emotional, depart the marriage covenant, and departure from the marriage covenant is biblical grounds for divorce (1 Corinthians 7:15).
- In all things there is a balance of power, mutuality of respect, equality and reciprocation of submission to God’s will —— because you are joint heirs to the grace of life (1 Peter 3:7), not slave and master, inferior and superior. The “head” doesn’t mean superior, it means servant — lead by an example of serving (Matthew 23:11-12).
A Covenant Behavioral Agreement doesn’t make a spouse or the wrong person behave right. An agreement tells spouses what the behavioral boundaries/expectations are, what violation looks like, and what to do if behavior proves that a spouse does not want to be in a covenant marriage, be a covenant partner or turns out to be a monster masquerading as a covenant partner.
In preparation for tomorrow, I want you to consider the below:
- Abuse is not a relationship problem, abuse is a behavioral problem that the relationship will not be responsible for fixing (James 1:13-15).
- There will be no need to ask God what to do or consult with anyone about what to do if you are being intentionally harmed, treated unequally, abused or destroyed in a marriage (Colossians 3:19, 1 Peter 3:7, Titus 3:10-11, 2 Timothy 3:1-5).
- An imbalance of power or one-way submission is not acceptable, and violates the covenant agreement (Ephesians 5:21).
- The departure from the marriage covenant — physically or behaviorally, constitutes marital treason, and marital treason is biblical grounds for divorce (1 Corinthians 7:15).
Today’s Exercise
- Read the biblical marriage covenant — Ephesians 5:21-33
- Answer the below questions:
- What are God’s covenant plans for us (Review Jeremiah 29:11)
- How did Jesus love the church (You can review Ephesians 1:3-14)
- How does the bible tell us that we will know if a spouse or anyone is submitted in their heart to God’s will?
- What needs to happen spiritually and behaviorally in order for husbands and wives to be able to live out Ephesians 5:21-33?
- What type of behavior would be a violation, a breach, rebellious if a marriage covenant based on God’s commandments in Ephesians 5:25-33?
