Welcome to When The Vow Breaks Masterclass. This masterclass is designed to provide you with a hands-on experience for maximum benefit. Each session article will guide you through the examination and application of the word of God to provide you with a comprehensive understanding of God’s word and prayerfully, answer your questions regarding God’s marriage covenant, divorce and remarriage with biblical clarity.
Let’s jump in…
Our greatest joy and pain can be found in relationships. Whether single or married, love is the primary factor that determines our decision to be in or stay in an intimate relationship. What we often discover in marriage or a serious relationship is that love, alone, is not enough. You’ll hear me frequently say, in different ways, if love alone was enough to control people’s behavior, Judas would not have betrayed Jesus. Judas didn’t betray Jesus because Jesus didn’t love Judas enough, Judas betrayed Jesus because Judas was a betrayer (John 12:1-6). This is very important to understand, particularly when it comes to relationship boundaries and love.
Let’s understand something about Judas’ betrayal that I think will help some to understand the nature of betrayal. Judas didn’t just show up one day and decide to betray Jesus. Judas was secretly betraying Jesus and the disciples from the very beginning — although Jesus was not unaware of his deceit (Matthew 26:20-25). The bible tells us of Judas’ history of deceit and and idolization of money prior to his betrayal of Jesus:
“Six days before the Passover, Jesus came to Bethany, where Lazarus lived, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. Here a dinner was given in Jesus’ honor. Martha served, while Lazarus was among those reclining at the table with him. Then Mary took about a pint[a] of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus’ feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume. But one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, who was later to betray him, objected, “Why wasn’t this perfume sold and the money given to the poor? It was worth a year’s wages.” He did not say this because he cared about the poor but because he was a thief; as keeper of the money bag, he used to help himself to what was put into it” (John 12:1-6).
Now, let’s be clear, Judas was a thief before he betrayed Jesus. He walked with Jesus and at the same time, covertly, Judas was betraying Jesus and the disciples by stealing money from the ministry. Rarely when we meet someone do they tell us who they really are. We have little information to go on except for what they tell us and what we see. Cultivating a relationship, an intimate relationship, assumes that both parties have the same intent or mentality but that’s not always the case. Whether in a dating relationship or in a marriage, the truth or the reality of who someone is will eventually reveal itself — behaviorally. Judas claimed loyal to Jesus (Matthew 26:20-25), but the revelation in Judas’ story tells us that people show us who they are through behavior, not words.
Of the 12 disciples, Judas was the one who would or could be tempted to betray Jesus because Judas was led, inwardly and secretly, by his own evil desires — lust for money. All people are led by something but when they are lead by evil desire, evil desire will trump all other feelings and beliefs including love: “When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death” (James 1:13-15).
Why is this important? For two reasons. First, whatever internally drives or compels or motivates an individual, if unhealthy, will often compete with and overrule love. Not that anybody is perfect but when love is competing with evil desires, or surrendered to evil desires, behavior will always, eventually, contradict words. Love, therefore, as a feeling or emotion is not enough to base a relationship on. When we’re establishing a relationship or determining if a relationship is possible, we have to be led by the spirit, not emotions. Emotions are always involved but our discernment is spirit led. Spirit led simply means we are fruit inspectors (Matthew 7:20), and we trust behavior to tell us who someone is, what they are compelled by and whether or not relationship is possible. No matter how we feel about someone, feelings don’t determine if relationship is possible or is going to be possible, fruit does.
Secondly, our love for someone doesn’t determine or define relationship. As Judas proved, you can love someone — as Jesus loved Judas, but loving someone does not mean that they are in a relationship with us or can be. Relationship is different from love. Loving someone doesn’t require relationship, relationship however, requires love honored, respected and reciprocated. Whether in a dating relationship or marriage relationship, our love is not a cure for behavior that is unqualified for relationship and our love cannot make someone be someone that they are not. Judas proved that.
Biblical love is not simply a feeling or an emotion, biblical love is verb, action — observable behavior that makes us feel loved, safe, respected and protected at all times — if that behavior is genuine, consistent and reliable: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). Every red flag you will ever see, or need to see, in any relationship will defy the attributes of love. A relationship, a healthy relationship, isn’t simply a matter of loving someone, it’s a matter of being able to trust that someone is motivated by the same reasons you are to be in a relationship. As Judas proved, you can love someone but they can, secretly, harbor beliefs or a mentality that is incompatible with their words and relationship.
And let’s be clear, love is perfect but people aren’t. Love does not make people perfect, it invites people to be and to have the best for themselves. As Judas proved, you can be with the best love in the world but have an internal conflict, an evil desire, that will override loving behavior. Judas “felt” he loved Jesus, as none of the disciples thought that they were the betrayer when Jesus told them that one of them would be betray Him (Matthew 26:20-25), but that proves to us that feelings alone don’t qualify for relationship and they don’t mean that the person is not capable of betraying the relationship.
This is the overarching theme of this masterclass, and an important part of establishing a baseline, biblical meaning of relationship: behavior determines and defines whether or not someone is eligible or able to be in a relationship with us, not how much we love them — especially in a voluntary, intimate relationship. Jesus said, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother” (Matthew 12:48-50). In other words, the privilege of relationship comes with the responsibilities of relationship. Feelings or words don’t determine whether or not someone is eligible to be in a relationship with us, their behavior does. Our relationship boundaries and rules have to agree with and lead emotions to embrace the fact that the privileges of relationship come with responsibilities of relationship — behavior that respects, honors and reciprocates love.
When someone delights in evil, delights in harming us, or is pathologically, intentionally and knowingly destructive towards us, that’s not behavior that qualifies to be in a relationship with us because it contradicts that love that qualifies for relationship (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). Intimate relationship love is evidenced by covenant behavior — an agreement to love by being patient, kind, not delighting in evil, etc.. Remember, people aren’t perfect, love is. People in an intimate partner relationship are imperfect people with an internal, overruling desire to be an expression of love, God’s love. If that desire to love is competing with an unresolved evil desire, as in the case of Judas, you will find out, sooner or later, that unresolved evil desire leads to betrayal.
People don’t love because that’s who they are, people love — behaviorally, because they are consciously connected to the spirit — which is love. Loving with the love of the spirit — behaviorally, requires submission to the spirit: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law” (Galatians 5:22-23). We’ll talk about this more when we talk about the biblical marriage covenant but for right now, understand that love is evidence of our surrender to the spirit, our being at one in our heart with the fruit of the spirit — love. Love cannot and does not harm, hurt or destroy, people do: “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6). When people behave unloving towards us, it is their evil desire that controls them, not love.
Establishing and embracing behavioral boundaries for relationship, is critical not only for dating but also for determining whether or not to stay in a relationship. The time and the purpose for dating is to inspect their ability to commit to the behavior that justifies relationship. That can take as long as it needs to take but if the dating phase is hurried, if the relationship is based on feelings and not behavior that evidences the attributes of love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8), if your connection is led by emotions and not discernment, there’s going to be a day of reconning. Whether we see it or not, discern it or not, their truth is their truth and their truth is who we will be in relationship with, not our feelings.
I’m not saying that feelings and emotions aren’t involved, I’m saying Judas didn’t betray Jesus because Jesus didn’t love Judas enough. Judas didn’t suddenly become a betrayer on the day he sold out Jesus, Judas had been betraying Jesus and the disciples from the beginning…covertly (John 12:1-6).
People didn’t change when they meet you or after you say I do, they became more comfortable being who they always were.
You don’t do something or not love someone enough to make them betray you, a betrayer betrays, an abuser abuses, a liar lies, a cheater cheats, and a deceiver deceives, because they love their evil desire more than they love you. Blaming yourself for somebody’s betrayal of you is like blaming Jesus for Judas’ betrayal. Sure, some people can play the role, put on a good act and fool the best of them with their love bombing and words but here’s the thing, you cannot control what people do, you can only control what you do when they do it.
The wrong person is good to you until they’re not.
The feeling of love, particularly intimate relationship love, while rewarding and well worth it, can sometimes lead to wrong decisions and relationships or decisions we wouldn’t have made if we had more information. If you follow my Facebook page, you are aware of my sometimes harsh critique of unhealthy relationships and abusive relationships. While few relationships that make it over the alter start out as toxic or abusive, the sad fact is, once perceived healthy and loving relationships often turn out to be toxic and abusive. What many of us find out about an unhealthy or toxic spouse is often after the fact or after we’ve “fallen in love.”
I’m often asked and frequently talk about, “How do we know when we’re dealing with the right one?” The second most asked question by both marrieds and singles is, “How do we avoid dealing with the wrong one?” The truth is, people aren’t going to tell us if they’re the wrong one, and the wrong one is most often just as loving, initially, as the right one. If you’ve attended one of my singles/marriage conferences, you might have heard me say, “The right one is not right until they’ve proven themselves to be right.” In other words, the wrong one and the right one are proven by behavior, over time, and discernable most of the time – if we know what to look for.
Does that mean no one has ever been or can be deceived by a love imposter? No. It happens every day. Relationships are formed for a multitude of reasons and continue for a multitude of reasons…and all are not good. We all come from different love experiences, backgrounds and influences that effect the way we love and our expectations of love. How we perceive and receive love is just as much about our background as it is about the behavior of the person loving us — or not loving us. A relationship tells us just as much about ourselves as it does about the person we’re in relationship with. One of the reasons some struggle to accept the truth about a toxic, unhealthy or unloving relationship is because they “feel” like they made a right choice. The right choice is all relative. Circumstances can influence the choices we make: the right choice based on wrong or false information, the right choice based on a history of relational or developmental trauma, the right choice based on an unfamiliarity with deceitful, manipulative or narcissistic behavior, etc.. You see, the right choice has to be qualified and if it is not, belief that you made the right choice for the right reasons can lead to cognitive dissonance, trauma bonding and unhealthy soul ties (soul ties are unhealthy connections with people for one of four reasons: sex, toxic familiarity, brokenness or co-dependency). As well, our attachment style plays an important factor in the choices we make and the way we interpret love.
I know this might not seem relevant for those of you who are presently married to an abusive or toxic spouse but you will find the same truths that apply to couples dating to be applicable to marrieds who are either working on their relationship or trying to figure out if it’s possible to fix the relationship. The tools that it takes to discern the right one, are the same tools required to either work on a marriage or know that you’re watering a dead plant. By dead plant I mean, a relationship that is working against you, willfully and pathologically abusive towards you or delights in endangering your safety – mentally, emotionally or physically.
For singles or couples considering marriage, or for marrieds navigating a difficult marriage, there’s a tendency to view their “potential” as to proof of love. While potential is good, let me say this about potential: Potential is not who they could be or who you wish they would become — if it wasn’t for their unacceptable behavior. Potential is not disconnected from present tense reality or “despite” the red flags that would and should be deal breakers. Potential is not who they want to become or be despite the reality that they don’t do the work to be anything more than who they are. Potential is not you desiring to be in a committed/romantic relationship with them but they either act like or express that they don’t want to be in a committed/romantic relationship with you. Potential is not how they look or how physically attracted to them you are despite the above or despite the fact they don’t meet any of your standards for a dating relationship. Potential is not how smart they are or how nice they are or how much fun you have with them — despite having no agreement/commitment on the things that matter or if the good times are really a recess between the hell. Potential must mean that there’s an agreement on relationship direction and goals, and the work to get there — demonstrated by actions not words: “How can two walk together except they agree” (Amos 3:3).
The below are 5 indicators or signs that I believe should be a minimum standard for determining if you’re dealing with someone who is worth your emotional time, commitment and sacrifice:
1. They complement the best in you. This might sound simple but here’s the truth…to complement you, the best in you, you have to first develop, heal and invest in the best in you. In other words, you’re not dating or looking for someone to complete you, fill a void, cure loneliness or boredom, or to be a happy pill. You’re looking for someone who complements your happiness, your healing/healthiness, your security/self-confidence, your values, your vision for love, your vision for and investment in life, your boundaries, your identity in Christ and your personal agency. You have to have what you want to be complemented beloved. And when you do, the right one will complement who you are.
2. They honor you. Honor isn’t simply compliments. Honor in intimate relationships is about genuinely desiring, respecting and supporting whatever is good, necessary for your wellbeing — mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Honor respects you with honesty and compassion. There’s a difference between words of affirmation and affirming behavior. Words feed the mind, behavior feeds the soul, creates safety and confirms honor. Behavior is proof, words can be deceptive or disingenuous. The one who honors you has your back, isn’t self-seeking, isn’t trying to convert you into somebody you aren’t, isn’t struggling to respect your healthy boundaries, isn’t behaviorally toxic or harmful or careless/reckless (Philippians 2:3-4).
3. You can trust them. Trust is a double edged sword. Either you can or you can’t, either you do or you don’t, there’s no in-between. The ability to trust is clear when we’re talking about a person who lies or is untrustworthy. But the trust that I’m talking about is “knowing.” Your spirit, when you allow the spirit to lead, knows. It knows truth, it knows intentions and it knows safety. When you are objective and spirit led, rather than simply emotionally led, you know. Don’t confuse emotionally knowing with spiritually knowing…emotions don’t have brains. Emotions generally trust the truth you tell them. Spiritually knowing is the result of abiding in the spirit of truth (John 15:5-8). You can hear your gut talking when you are objectively listening. When you can trust someone — you have listened objectively to the spirit, you’ve taken your time and considered the truth you know about them, and you can honestly say to yourself that you trust them with your emotions, your safety/wellbeing, your boundaries, your values, your visions for life and love, your honor, your destiny and God’s plans for you (Jeremiah 29:11).
4. You don’t think they’re perfect (John 1:8-10). The one that will be worth you perusing, isn’t a god/goddess. This type of fantasy perspective or idolatry of a person creates a “halo effect.” The halo effect is a type of cognitive bias in which our overall impression of a person influences how we feel and think about their character. In other words, if your overall impression is that they’re perfect, your thoughts are biased and not objective, and the person can do no wrong despite their red flags. Here’s the truth, you, in your mind, will always be unworthy and insecure with someone you think is perfect. Imperfect is not synonymous with toxic or destructive. The one worth you perusing or capable of working on a relationship with isn’t god to you or the fantasy person, they are the one who you are equal to — equally as valuable, equally as worthy, equally as important, equally as seen, equally as honored, equally as respected, equally as beautiful — from the inside out, and equally as human — not perfect.
5. They are emotionally available. Sometimes we confuse personality with availability. Emotional availability has more to do with emotional intelligence or style of relating. In other words, the person worth perusing is ready, willing and able to do the emotional heavy lifting that a mature relationship requires to grow. Emotional heavy lifting requires emotional stability, emotional maturity, emotional health, and emotional intelligence. The one worth pursuing can grow with you, grows apart from you, and views growing as a life-style not an event (Psalms 51:10-12). They understand intimacy is not sex, intimacy is emotional intercourse standing up. Intimacy is “in-to-me-see,” and requires their emotional maturity, security and availability. The person worth pursuing or capable of working on a relationship with will show you their emotional maturity, security and availability to do the heavy lifting, to sacrifice, and to continuously grow.
The biblical covenant relationship (Ephesians 5:21-23) is a behavioral commitment. Many will and can tell you that a biblical covenant relationship might be entered into verbally but a biblical covenant relationship is not lip service. As well, dating, seriously dating, is the beginning of the covenant relationship, our the foundation for a biblical covenant relationship.
When we talk about dating, the key to remember is that “I do” is a confirmation of what you agreed to prior to the wedding ceremony. In other words, dating with the intent to marry has three phases:
1. The discovery phase. The discovery phase is what many call the dating phase. However, the discovery phase should, must, precede the “dating phase,” and must focus on just that, discovery. Discovery is not dinners and small talk, discover is determining, through intentional discussion, who you’re dealing with. By dealing with I’m referring to objective and meaningful evaluation of the person in front of you for the possibility of dating. During the discovery phase, you’re not emotionally invested, you’re inspecting behavior, asking the hard questions, testing the spirit and hopefully using a healthy, objective criteria for determining what to look for in a potential date. Note: during the discovery phase, minimize or eliminate giving gifts or buying gifts all together. Premature gift giving or allowing gift giving too early in a relationship is a setup up for premature and unwarranted affection, or love bombing.
2. The dating phase. The dating phase is an agreement to be in an exclusive relationship for the purpose of continuing to explore and confirm compatibility and desirability. The dating phase should not begin until there is a mutual understanding of dating boundaries, dating goals, and dating purpose. There’s no need to date someone who doesn’t have the same goals as you do or hasn’t met your criteria for dating. During the dating phase, the discovery is not over, it’s put into high gear. Meeting friends, family and intimate connections, when appropriate or possible, establishing and evaluating commitment to relationship boundaries — emotional and behavioral, and evaluating their alignment with the 5 indicators or signs for determining if you’re dealing with someone who is worth your emotional time, commitment and sacrifice. When dating for purpose or marriage, talk of marriage or introducing children is not recommended until the courting phase. Note: our emotional health can and does play a large factor in our decision to date and who we date. Emotionally, we are looking for what our emotions have been trained to expect or want in a relationship. If we are emotionally unhealthy, or simply not ready to trust our emotions, dating should be secondary to our self-discovery and healing.
3. The courting phase. It needs to be said that bypassing the discovery or the dating phase is almost always a recipe for disaster. More marriages occur as the result of bypassing the dating and the discovery phase than don’t. Deceivers and predators rarely can survive a healthy discovery and dating phase — when we are led by and objectively listen to the spirit of truth. Also, there’s no certain timeframe for progressing to the courting phase, many different factors including lived experience, how well you knew them before, emotional maturity/health and readiness can influence how quickly or slowly you progress to courting. Courting begins when a relationship has successfully grown past discovery and dating. Courting is based on an agreement to be married in the future. Courting is not discovery or dating, courting is the planning phase for marriage and can last for however short or long you agree to. Not that discovery stops or boundaries loosen during the courting phase, but you have established a solid foundation of love, honor and respect that warrants building a marriage on.
It’s important to note that many have been deceived by a skilled predator or married someone who started out great but “flipped” sometime after saying “I do”. It happens. One of the most important truths about narcissists, predators and deceivers is this: they rarely suddenly show up, they almost always start showing up from the first day — slowly and subtlety. A narcissist doesn’t become a narcissist after you marry them, a narcissist, a diagnosed narcissist (NPD), doesn’t develop narcissism or narcissistic tendencies when you meet them, they were a narcissist before you met them. Covert narcissists don’t defy detection, they lie, gaslight, blame shift and apologize their way out of detection. The 5 signs of a relationship worth pursuing, as a minimum standard, will weed out your average rotten apple. Time, boundaries, emotional objectivity, and attention to detail will serve you well, and frustrate most who are masquerading as an angel of light (2 Corinthians 11:14).
In our next session, we’re going to take a deep dive into the meaning and origin of wedding vows, the difference between wedding vows and a biblical marriage covenant and the Covenant Behavioral Agreement.
Please take the time to review the exercise below.
Today’s Exercise
- Everyone has an emotional style of relating. In every relationship we are who we are, emotionally. Before session 2, read and evaluate the four Attachment Styles over at traumasolutions.com, and identify the attachment style that is the closest reflection of your attachment style(s), then take the attachment style quiz.
- Link to the attachment styles overview and quiz: www.traumasolutions.com/four-attachment-style-types/ (cut and paste the link if you can’t open it).
Consider reading the books below:
- Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life, by Henry Cloud
- Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist, by Ramani Durvasula
- It Starts With You: Discovering Your Attachment Style to Achieve Healthier Relationships, by C.J. Harrington
- How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, by Nicole Dr. Nicole LePera
