Let’s jump in…
I think every abuse victim has felt violated, to the very core, by someone who felt entitled to the privileges of their love without the responsibilities of their love. Any relationship, marriage included, comes with boundaries. Without a covenant agreement, marriage is a relationship without boundaries. The marriage covenant is not the same as wedding vows beloved. Everybody, anybody, demons included, can say wedding vows. The marriage covenant agreement (Ephesians 5:21-33), has conditions and requirements for behavior and love, as well as a responsibility to God: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21).
But let’s be clear about what boundaries are. Boundaries aren’t rules for others or to control others. Boundaries are conditions that govern what we will or will not allow ourselves to do. Anyone who has been abused will tell you that boundaries didn’t stop the abuser, boundaries didn’t matter to the abuser and boundaries didn’t make the abuser respect them. Boundaries govern what we won’t do, what we won’t accept, what we won’t tolerate and what we expect from ourselves and others in any relationship.
Be Known Therapy states, “In simple terms, rules, relationship rules, are for others, boundaries are for yourself. Rules are restrictions you put on another person. Boundaries are restrictions you place for yourself to keep yourself from harm.” Marriage relationships come with behavioral rules and boundaries, no differently than relationship with God. God’s Agape love unconditionally invites us to be in relationship with God but not even Agape love will unconditionally tolerate any or all behavior in relationship with God: “Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them” (Romans 1:28-32). If relationship with God does not unconditionally allow rebellious behavior, that means even God’s unconditional, Agape, love has relationship boundaries and rules.
If relationship with God has boundaries and rules, don’t think marriage or any other relationship does not also have boundaries and rules. Love, biblical love, is based on the rule that love does not tolerate or delight in evil: “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6).
What’s my point? Abusers will abuse, betrayers will betray and monsters will pose as mates, but don’t let the enemy make you believe that relationship means your love is required or obligated to unconditionally tolerate evil. Evil and love are enemies, and a house divided cannot stand. Anybody who tells you otherwise is an enemy of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and a believer in marital bondage. Your God is not the author of confusion, and His word is very clear about relationship rules: “Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned” (Titus 3:10-11).
Don’t enter into a relationship unless or until everybody is in agreement with what the boundaries and rules are…both boundaries and rules must have a zero tolerance of evil, unloving and diabolical behavior. Without an agreement on what the rules and boundaries are, you cannot walk in biblical agreement with that person beloved: “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:7). Don’t let lies, from anybody, make you question your boundaries or rules…Godly love is unconditional but relationship is not.
“Pay attention when people react with anger and hostility to your boundaries. You have just found the edge where their respect for you ends.”
For many, Christians, boundaries are tied to a beliefs that undermine our ability to confidently stand on healthy boundaries. There are three biblical falsehoods that undermine boundaries:
1. Turn the other cheek
“Turn the other cheek” does not mean you will get to keep slapping me, with God’s permission. Turn the other cheek literally means to not return evil for evil. In other words, I don’t have to become like you or do what you did to me to stop you. I don’t have to get out of character to walk away from you and I don’t have to take revenge to be avenged: “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord” (Romans 12:19).
2. Forgiving 70×7 times
Forgiving 70×7 times has nothing to do with me letting you get away with bad behavior, without consequences. See, religious abusers have twisted and distorted this scripture to the point that it sounds like God wants us to be passive crash test dummies for foolishness. That’s a lie.
This scripture is referring to God’s Agape love for mankind leading to salvation. The religious people at the time believed that a person could not be forgiven by God if they sinned more than 3 times. Jesus was teaching the disciples the difference between God’s Agape forgiveness leading to the salvation of the lost, and earthly forgiveness. You see, you don’t need to keep forgiving someone for repeatedly harming you because they will never get the opportunity to repeatedly harm you: “Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned” (Titus 3:10-11).
Forgiveness does not mean someone is safe or ever will be, forgiveness doesn’t mean their apology is genuine or isn’t another attempt to coerce sympathy, forgiveness doesn’t obligate or require us to keep someone in our life or reconcile with them, forgiveness means we’ve released them to God and untethered our soul from the emotional bondage of unforgiveness.
3. God requires us to tolerate evil
Don’t let anybody tell you that the closer you walk with Jesus, the more tolerant and patient you are with foolishness. The only people who will try to spiritually abuse you with that lie are the people who are abusing you.
For clarification, the same Jesus who died on the cross also turned over tables in the temple, rebuked religious foolery and told people the truth. No, dear heart, a closer walk with Jesus doesn’t make someone more tolerant of foolishness, more patient with evil or more willing to go along to get along. A closer walk with Jesus will give someone the confidence to turn over tables when their temple is being mistreated, to resist the devil and, to wipe the dust off their feet and depart from a place or person that threatens your safety, sanity or temple (Matthew 10:14).
God didn’t tell His child to put up with abuse, evil or maltreatment, God said: “But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people” (2 Timothy 3:1-5).
4. Perhaps the most difficult struggle abuse victims have, particularly those who have been spiritually abused, is separating discernment from condemnation.
We have to stop saying that a willful abuser, regardless of their “disorder”, is a follower of Jesus Christ. I know somebody is going to say, “Nobody is perfect, everybody is flawed, God loves us no matter what.” Loving someone does not mean that they are a follower of Jesus Christ. Let me biblically clarify something, the Bible says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life” (John 3:16). God’s love doesn’t mean someone is follower of Jesus Christ, God’s love means everybody has an invitation or an option to be a follower of Jesus Christ.
And while we’re talking about spiritual bypassing, let’s be clear about something: there are worshippers or followers, and there are believers — those who have a form of godliness but deny the power. A believer is not a follower: “You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder” (James 2:19). Even the demons believe. A follower is a worshipper: “God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth” (John 4:24). A worshipper isn’t perfect, a worshipper is repentant. A worshipper can stumble but a worshiper does not delight in evil because evil is the enemy of God and the opposite of love: “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6).
The Bible verse 1 John 3:15 says, “Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.” See, belief doesn’t mean worship and you can’t worship God in spirit and in truth and also delight in evil — “no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.” Can the follower turn back and become evil, yes (Matthew 12:43-45, Romans 1:28-32). Remember, God calls belief without worship (in spirit and in truth) a form of Godliness that denies the power of God: “But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people” (2 Timothy 3:1-5). Your discernment of their harmful behavior and healthy boundaries require you to “have nothing to do with them”.
How will you know the difference? By their fruit. You aren’t condemning them, you’re acknowledging, discerning and agreeing with who their behavior tells you they are. And let’s be clear…judging what you see is discernment not condemnation. Condemnation says they will never repent or be forgiven…we don’t know that, only God has authority to condemn, but we do have the authority to discern: “You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them” (Matthew 7:16-20).
God warns us to not call evil good: “Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!” (Isaiah 5:20). If they behave like an abuser, walk like an abuser, quack like an abuser, use your discernment and call them an abuser…but don’t disobey God and call evil good or be guilted into throwing your pearls down before swine — or they will tear you to pieces: “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces” (Matthew 7:6). When confronted with behavior that tears you to pieces, whether from family, friends or an intimate partner, God tells us to deal with them accordingly: “Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned” (Titus 3:10-11).
7 Types of Boundaries
In a Positive Psychology article, good examples of healthy boundaries include:
- Declining anything you don’t want to do
- Expressing your feelings responsibly
- Talking about your experiences honestly
- Replying in the moment
- Addressing problems directly with the person involved, rather than with a third party
- Making your expectations clear rather than assuming people will figure them out.
Whether a spouse, a family member or an organization, boundaries and rules are nonnegotiable.
Today’s Exercise
Boundaries are the foundation of and support for a healthy relationship. We’re not in relationship to be harmed or to give anyone the privileges of us without the responsibilities of us. For today’s exercise, consider reading one of the recommended books on boundaries. Grab your journal and writing down your relationship boundaries — what you will not allow yourself to do, and rules — what you will not allow others to do, in a healthy relationship with you.
- “Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say no To Take Control of Your Life”
- “Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life Paperback”
- “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself”
- “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are”
Bless you,
Patrick
