Let’s get started with today’s discussion…
Trauma, relational trauma specifically, is not simply a matter of what happened to us but also what happened in us. By “in us” I mean the body, mind and spirit. The body, mind and spirit keeps the score, and stores the footage, raw footage, of history experiences and the emotions attached to those experiences.
In the 1990’s, psychologist Jennifer Freyd coined the concept “Betrayal Trauma” to describe what occurs when an intimate relationship significantly violates a person’s trust or wellbeing. An illustrative example to help us understand the effect of betrayal, abuse and maltreatment from someone we love to help us distinguish betrayal trauma (BT) from other trauma responses like (PTS): imagine being viciously attacked — emotionally, mentally, physically, by a stranger and left for dead (PTS), and then finding out that the masked assailant is really your mate, someone you love, someone you trusted to protect you (BT).
What makes relational trauma particularly difficult is not only the fact that we loved the perpetrator but also, the investment we made in loving the perpetrator…sometimes for years, through tears, through false hope and through countless cycles of abuse of all kinds. When an intimate relationship turns into a war, there is no other way the mind, body and spirit can or will experience it except as traumatic…because love and abuse, of any kind, are diametrically opposed to one another. You weren’t abused, betrayed and destroyed by a random stranger, you were abused, betrayed and destroyed by an intimate partner…your trust, your faith, your beliefs about intimate love have been violated in the worst way, and in your post-traumatic growth you will become aware of the fact that when you’ve endured relational trauma, your mind, body and spirit keeps the score.
“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6)
Here’s the thing, it would take an iron brain to not be deeply wounded and effected by relational trauma. Trauma triggers, memories and flashbacks are not what’s wrong with us, they’re the result of what happened to us, and tell us that the mind, body and spirit are in or have been through a war, a war of betrayal, and our heart is in ICU. You will be overwhelmed and bombarded by labels that attempt to describe your condition but I want to caution you to not interpret labels as what’s wrong with you…trauma is not what’s wrong with you, trauma is what happened to you, and your post-traumatic responses — physical, emotional and mental, are proof of that.
There are three important truths that you must understand to navigate your post-traumatic growth:
- You’re not supposed to be OK. You’re not supposed to be unaffected by a war of betrayal. Physically, your body is designed to fight, flight or freeze when confronted with a real or perceived threat, danger or harm. The body’s natural defense system worked the way it was designed to work — in your war…when you were traumatized, the body’s natural defense system was activated to protect you. Imagine finding yourself in the middle of jungle filled with hungry lions, and your body’s natural defense system didn’t work, or wasn’t activated. The body’s natural defense system is not proactive, it doesn’t arm or activate itself, it is reactive and responds to our mental messaging, environment and conditions. In our post-traumatic growth, we are challenged to understand the body’s natural defense system and learn how to regulate our mind to enable the body’s defense system to stand down or disarm…because post-traumatic stress means your mind and emotions are is still at war — you’re not over it, you’re coming out of it, and as your mind and emotions are healed, or regulated, your body’s natural defense system will strand down.
- Trauma and beliefs are tied together. We go into an intimate relationship with beliefs…beliefs about love, beliefs about the person we love and beliefs about ourselves. Relational trauma can, and often does, destroy our beliefs and, create a new or a “survivor” belief system. As a part of our post-traumatic growth, we have to realize that our belief system has to be repaired. Our beliefs about love, people/relationships, ourselves, and even God have to be repaired. Repairing our beliefs begins with shattering the lies that undermine our stability, deny our reality and cancel our personal agency. Repairing and reconciling our beliefs with truth that sets us free empowers us to process rather than react to memories that trigger, regulate our mind and change our narrative…which is imperative for our healing journey.
- Be patient with yourself and tell yourself the truth. You are not damaged goods, you are not your trauma, you are not unrepairable, you are not unlovable, you are not the cause of their behavior, you are not created to be abused, and you are not alone in your fight to reclaim your destiny. Getting out of head and giving ourselves permission to be victors in the valley, conquerors in the crushing and powerful in the process, defies the enemy and positions us to fight for our destiny with hope and expectancy. Healing does not change the past, healing changes the future despite the past. You’re not healing to become who you were, you’re healing to become the next version of yourself — stronger, better and wiser. Healing is not a destination, healing is journey, a journey filled with highs and lows, challenges and difficulties. You have to be patient with yourself, as well as be your faithful cheerleader, coach and advocate for your victory.
Do you remember what happened after the children of Israel were freed from Egypt? After spending generations in bondage, the children of Israel were freed by God and given the promise of a better of future. When the children of Israel journeyed through the wilderness after being freed, they encountered challenges and difficulties that triggered their survivor psychology. Listen to what they said when they were triggered: “And they said to each other, “We should choose a leader and go back to Egypt” (Numbers 14:14).
When you, me, the children of Israel, come out of bondage, while our body is free, our emotions will have to catch up to us. The body is free but the mind and emotions are not, yet. Freedom begins physically but emotions take time, work, and renewing our mind to catch up. The children of Israel experienced the struggles and challenges that symbolize the struggles and challenges that we will experience on our way from our trauma to our promise. What we learn from the children of Israel’s story is that neither God or faith will remove the struggles or challenges in our journey; God and faith give us the reason to keep going: “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1).
When God rescued Lot and his family from Sodom and Gomorrah, the angels told them to run to the place where they would be safe, and do not look back: “As soon as they had brought them out, one of them said, “Flee for your lives! Don’t look back, and don’t stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you will be swept away!” (Genesis 19:17). Our trauma memories, unprocessed, can sweep us away and keep our body’s defense system activated. Not looking back is not the same as forgetting. You cannot forget what you’ve been through. Not looking back means to not look back with longing or despair or unhealed beliefs.
What is interesting about Lot’s story is that most believe that Lot’s wife looked back while they were running or fleeing from Sodom and Gomorrah. But that’s not true. The bible tells us that Lot and his wife were safely in the place that they were commanded to go to when Lot’s wife looked back:
“The Angel of the Lord said, ‘I will not overthrow the town you speak of. But flee there quickly, because I cannot do anything until you reach it.” (That is why the town was called Zoar). By the time Lot reached Zoar, the sun had risen over the land. Then the Lord rained down burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah—from the Lord out of the heavens. Thus he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, destroying all those living in the cities—and also the vegetation in the land. But Lot’s wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt” (Genesis 19:21-26).
What can we learn from Lot’s story? There are two important truths that can help us on our healing journey that we can take away from Lot’s story. The first is, when God rescues us from that place that we are not supposed to be in, we can be physically free but not emotionally free…even though we are in a safe place, a new place, a place that is removed from our history. Second, when we are removed from a place that was not God’s will for our life, we have to be careful not to forget why we were removed, why God had to set us free. The good times were recesses between the hell, the person we hoped they would be was not the person they were or wanted to be. They didn’t abuse and betray you because of what you did, they abused and betrayed you because that’s what abusers and betrayers do. You could not make them change by loving them more, praying more or tolerating more…If that were possible then Judas would not have betrayed Jesus. A betrayer betrays and an abuser abuses because that’s who they are, and there is nothing you did to make them be who they are. That truth is your truth and that truth will help you repair your beliefs, which will allow you to look back with fresh eyes.
I once read, “If you look at the Hebrew you find that Lot’s wife did not just look back, but instead she longed to be back there, hated to leave and longingly gazed back. Don’t we all do that when an unwelcome change is forced upon us?” By longingly looking back Lot’s wife became a pillar of salt, not a lot different from the brimstone she had escaped from. Jesus warned us not to look back with longing for the corruption we are delivered from, as He referred to Lot’s wife in Luke 17. We need to look forward with gratitude rather than back with longing.”
In your healing journey, you are going to have moments, you’re going to have memories, you’re going to have flashbacks, you’re going to be triggered, but you must remember that you are free, you are no longer in bondage, you are in position to get your life back. The past will become our future, we will become our past or what happened to us, if we don’t allow ourselves the grace to evolve, the patience to heal, and to embrace the truth that will set us free.
Your future is bright beloved. Your healing success isn’t measured by perfection, your healing success is measured by progress. When the journey overwhelms, when your body is free but your emotions seem to be stuck in the past, when it feels like you’re not making progress, remember, you have help. You are the best cheerleader, coach and advocate for your victory beloved…if you need help or support along your journey, give yourself permission to seek the help and the truth you need. You have the faith and the reason to keep going…your latter days will be greater than your former!
Today’s Exercise
- Grab a journal (or use the one you have), and write down your 5 healing goals for the next 90 days. Beneath each of those goals, write down the resource(s), information, or support you will need to help you achieve progress towards your goals.
- Write down, using as much detail as possible, 5 reasons that you are blessed to be free and in position to live the life that God promised you.
- Create your trigger response, or the truth that will give you the ability to respond to your triggers or memories with power and authority. This can change, be added to or be more than one; the important thing to practice during your healing journey is to cultivate responses to triggers and memories that help to regulate your mind to deactivate your body’s defense system.
Bless you.
Patrick
